I am back to where I started weight wise, eating wise & drinking wise. So I am eating crap, drinking pop & feeling miserable & fat. So much for all my determination & lofty words right? UGH! I do mean them when I write them. I wake up every day determined to live a healthier life. But sometimes I feel like I have 2 conscious minds that war for control - that I literally have the devil & angel siting on each shoulder & the devil usually wins. I feel absolutely compelled to have a McDonald's Frappe' on my way home, and lately cookies to go with it. In many ways I don't understand it but I think I have been beginning to have some insight into my inner crazy person.
My neighbor lent me a book awhile back called Women, Food & God written by Geneen Roth. It is not really a religious book, actually she barely talks about religion or God. More so it is about how when women lack a spiritual core they fill the emptiness with other things. Things like food. Here is a quote from her web page:
The way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive. No matter how sophisticated or wise or enlightened you believe you are, how you eat tells all. The world is on your plate. When you begin to understand what prompts you to use food as a way to numb or distract yourself, the process takes you deeper into realms of spirit and to the bright center of your own life.
The basic premise, or at least how I interpreted it, is that you have certain beliefs about yourself. Beliefs that are formed from the reflection of how other people have treated you or spoken to you. You see yourself through their eyes. So if like me you were a girl who was teased & treated cruelly by her peers and were told constantly you were fat, ugly & worthless no matter how far you've come in your life, if you haven't gotten in touch with your true self spiritually deep inside you see yourself as that definition of you.
This book touched home with me in a multitude of ways. I think people who are bullied in their lives tend to handle it in basically two different ways. If they have a strong sense of self the externalize the problem. As in a "what the hell is that asshole's problem that he has to screw with me?" attitude. My brother usually handled it that way. I'm sure he had his feelings hurt but for the most part he just thought the other guy was being a dick. For me & a lot of others, we internalize it. The "what's wrong with me? Why am I so awful everyone hates me?" attitude.
There was a time in my life that I really felt like I was born to be hated & because of that I hated myself. I'm not going to go into all of that now, I would be writing for weeks - and hopefully, eventually I will be wtiting it all out because I realize I have demons here I need to exercise. But for the sake of today's blog I will just say this much: in the past I could, and sometimes still do, look in a mirror & loathe the person I see there. In the book the author pushes you to let go of those feelings. To realize that that child/teen/young adult you see there is not the true you. That you have to learn to love and/or forgive that inner child/teen/young adult for all the pain they have caused you. Until you do you can't feel whole spiritually. Instead you will continue to fill the hole with food & feed the feelings that she wreaks in you.
I have come to the realization that the reason I can't take care of my self is that I don't care for myself. I know that sounds harsh but it's true. It seems simple enough. Forgive the inner child. Learn to love your self as you are now. I can't. Ah-ha moments might be popping off like light bulbs all over my brain but I can't seem to force myself to actually do anything about it. I have been hating that child since I was 9 years old. It would be like suddenly turning to your life long enemy, embracing them & saying "I forgive you, lets be best friends". How many people could actually do that? Which, I guess is where the spiritual/God like part comes in.
So really I think my yo-yo weight cycle is a product of the battle raging in my own mind. The grown-up Kel that wants to be happy & healthy against the Kelly that has always been there, seething with doubt & self loathing. I need to find a way to put her out of my mind for good & let her go. I'm not sure how I can. I am hoping that by facing my deepest feelings while writing here it will help but it might not be enough. I am considering seeking counseling too, if I can be brave enough to face my fiercest foe and if I can convince myself I deserve it.
