You don't write...

It's been a long time I know. Where have you been Kelly? I have been busy! Busy practicing avoidance... Seriously tho, while I have been very busy with kids, husband, work & home I have also been busy ignoring the fact that I am making no progress on my weight loss/health goals. Actually I have fallen off the wagon entirely, rolled down a hill, landed in a ditch & drowned in a puddle of mud.

I am back to where I started weight wise, eating wise & drinking wise. So I am eating crap, drinking pop & feeling miserable & fat. So much for all my determination & lofty words right? UGH! I do mean them when I write them. I wake up every day determined to live a healthier life. But sometimes I feel like I have 2 conscious minds that war for control - that I literally have the devil & angel siting on each shoulder & the devil usually wins. I feel absolutely compelled to have a McDonald's Frappe' on my way home, and lately cookies to go with it. In many ways I don't understand it but I think I have been beginning to have some insight into my inner crazy person.

My neighbor lent me a book awhile back called Women, Food & God written by Geneen Roth. It is not really a religious book, actually she barely talks about religion or God. More so it is about how when women lack a spiritual core they fill the emptiness with other things. Things like food. Here is a quote from her web page:

The way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive. No matter how sophisticated or wise or enlightened you believe you are, how you eat tells all. The world is on your plate. When you begin to understand what prompts you to use food as a way to numb or distract yourself, the process takes you deeper into realms of spirit and to the bright center of your own life.

The basic premise, or at least how I interpreted it, is that you have certain beliefs about yourself. Beliefs that are formed from the reflection of how other people have treated you or spoken to you. You see yourself through their eyes. So if like me you were a girl who was teased & treated cruelly by her peers and were told constantly you were fat, ugly & worthless no matter how far you've come in your life, if you haven't gotten in touch with your true self spiritually deep inside you see yourself as that definition of you.

This book touched home with me in a multitude of ways. I think people who are bullied in their lives tend to handle it in basically two different ways. If they have a strong sense of self the externalize the problem. As in a "what the hell is that asshole's problem that he has to screw with me?" attitude. My brother usually handled it that way. I'm sure he had his feelings hurt but for the most part he just thought the other guy was being a dick. For me & a lot of others, we internalize it. The "what's wrong with me? Why am I so awful everyone hates me?" attitude.

There was a time in my life that I really felt like I was born to be hated & because of that I hated myself. I'm not going to go into all of that now, I would be writing for weeks - and hopefully, eventually I will be wtiting it all out because I realize I have demons here I need to exercise. But for the sake of today's blog I will just say this much: in the past  I could, and sometimes still do, look in a mirror & loathe the person I see there. In the book the author pushes you to let go of those feelings. To realize that that child/teen/young adult you see there is not the true you. That you have to learn to love and/or forgive that inner child/teen/young adult for all the pain they have caused you. Until you do you can't feel whole spiritually. Instead you will continue to fill the hole with food & feed the feelings that she wreaks in you.

I have come to the realization that the reason I can't take care of my self is that I don't care for myself. I know that sounds harsh but it's true. It seems simple enough. Forgive the inner child. Learn to love your self as you are now. I can't. Ah-ha moments might be popping off like light bulbs all over my brain but I can't seem to force myself to actually do anything about it. I have been hating that child since I was 9 years old. It would be like suddenly turning to your life long enemy, embracing them & saying "I forgive you, lets be best friends". How many people could actually do that? Which, I guess is where the spiritual/God like part comes in.

So really I think my yo-yo weight cycle is a product of the battle raging in my own mind. The grown-up Kel that wants to be happy & healthy against the Kelly that has always been there, seething with doubt & self loathing. I need to find a way to put her out of my mind for good & let her go. I'm not sure how I can. I am hoping that by facing my deepest feelings while writing here it will help but it might not be enough. I am considering seeking counseling too, if I can be brave enough to face my fiercest foe and if I can convince myself I deserve it.

The time I Messed up Jan's Hair & Lost my Mind but Not Myself Even Tho I Tried

This story was originally part of the Fall Sucks post but I trimmed it out...

Right after I started Beauty School in Fall of 1989 I was at my friend Jan's one nite. I had just finished the hair cutting unit & she thought I should try trimming her hair. I wasn't too confident in the idea but she was (there may have been some wine coolers involved in this - shhh... don't tell my mother) in any case I did something totally wrong & instead of giving her an angle to frame her face I gave her a flap to frame her ear. Yep. Cut the whole side of her hair clean off. It was HORRIBLE!!! I freaked out - totally. Somehow thru the night I built the whole thing up in my brain to a disaster of epic proportion. I was embarrassed & ashamed & a failure & I had to run away. So I did. I snuck out of her apartment before she woke up, went home, packed a few of my clothes & took the family photo off the wall in the hall at my parent's house threw it in my little duffel bag, got in my car & decided to "get lost". I think I had visions of being like Julia Roberts in that movie where she runs away from her creepy husband & lands in a quaint town & starts this whole new wonderful life. Sigh. It didn't quite happen that way.

I got on the expressway & kept getting off at different ramps which led me in circles so after several hours I was still stuck in rainy cloudy friggin' Illinois. I finally exited the highway & wound up in Antioch. I was totally lost but not in a good way. As I was driving around trying to figure out my next move a squirrel darted in front of me, I swerved & then THUD! Yep, killed it, saw it's little corpse in my rear view & everything. So now not only was I failure but I was a murderer. After spending my entire day in emotional turmoil that was the last straw, I was now in hysterics. I couldn't take it any more. I stopped at a Holiday Inn, checked in using my mother's credit card & then fell asleep in an exhausted stupor.

I slept hours. Hours in which my mother, who is like queen of intuition when it comes to her kids, was frantically searching for me. It seems she walked in the house after I left & just knew something was wrong. She went upstairs to look for me & noticed the picture gone off the wall in the hall & then really knew something was wrong. So she called everyone I knew looking for me but no one had heard from me and since this was the pre-cell phone era I had pretty much disappeared. She was pretty much in full panic mode until I woke up in the Holiday Inn in Antioch & realized what a moron I was & called her to come rescue me. Which she did, drove out there & got me & was just so happy to have found me she didn't kill me where I stood. I have a really awesome mom.

My friend Jan got really pissed & didn't speak to me for a few months. Not so much because I botched her 'doo really, altho that didn't exactly thrill her, but because I had acted like such a goon. Eventually we talked & worked it out, I was forgiven & her hair, like hair tends to do, grew back (she had to wear one side of her hair up in a barette for about a year, the only saving grace in the whole situation was back 1989 that was actually fashionable). We are still friends today & as she predicted that nite when she was streaming mad & wanted to murder me, we can actually look back and laugh at what happend. As you can see I have great friends too.

Fall. Why it Sucks Pumpkin

It is the first day of Fall tomorrow. I know many people who say that Fall is their favorite season. They drone on about the glory & beauty of Fall & how wonderful it is. To those people I would like to say this: You are friggin' crazy! I don't understand it. I think Fall sucks. And in celebration of season (snort) I will tell you why.

I know when Fall is about to fall upon me when my allergies start to flare up. All of a sudden my sinus start to itch like a Brady doused me with itching powder. Then the roof of my mouth starts to itch, this drives me insane! I complain about it constantly, to which my darling husband answers "I have a way to help you with that". Um, yeah, I am sure you do honey (isn't he just the sweetest thing? Bless his heart). My eyes itch & get red & runny. And lastly my head itches, no amount of conditioner helps. My hair gets limp, my scalp itch rages on. All of this lasts until it frosts. So even tho I take a daily allergy pill I walk around itchy & scratchy. I am constantly scratching my nose (it wasn't a pick! it was a scratch!) rubbing my eyes & scratching my scalp & swiping the roof of my mouth w/ my tongue which leads me to making scrunchy gag faces. Miserable.

I am not the only creature in the house who this happens to. My dog starts chewing her feet from allergies every year in the Fall. I give her Benadryl to help but usually by the time the frost comes her paws are bald. Which leaves me as the itchy, scratchy, twitchy lady walking the dog with the bald chicken feet. I feel compelled to explain to passersby - No I am not insane, we just have allergies, really, put the pretty white coat away now...

The other thing about Fall that I truly hate is the grey skies. It rains a lot in the Fall & when it does the whole world turns damp, grey & clammy. It is depressing, even the name Fall implies that he season is droopy. Take the song November Rain by Gn'R - see even Axel Rose knows what I am talking about - the song is about having your heart broken & trampled on & how it feels like November Rain. Fall rain leaves me bummed out & irritable & if it lasts a really long time a little bit crazy. Anything truly mental I have ever done in my life has been in the Fall. You know things everybody does when they are depressed like try to run away from home or join the Navy (I trimmed the running way from home story out & will make it it's own post - I just realized how crazy big this one was - yikes! Logorrhoea strikes again!)

So Fall makes me a little barmy, altho with all that itching, scratching & moodiness going on who can blame me? I know people love Fall because of the beautiful Fall leaves. Which I can agree with, they are beautiful. At least for about 2 weeks & then they fall all over your grass leaving you with a big mess. Oh, you say, but you can pile them up & jump in them! Woo hoo! Yeah, woo freakin' hoo - and then you have a rash all over your body because apparently you are allergic to touching leaves too. But the worst thing about leaves are all the evil beings that burn them. There is no worse smell, well except maybe skunk but it's close, than the smell of burning leaves. I smell that burning leaves smell & it is like a cleaver slices thru my skull - instant headache. GAH!

The other thing people say they love about Fall is pumpkin. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, pumpkin seeds. Pumpkin grosses me out completely. I don't like the way it tastes & the texture of pumpkin pie reminds me of liver. Every few years I try a pumpkin pie because someone convinces me it is just so wonderful that even if I have never liked pumpkin pie before I would like that one. Nope, never do. GAG. have you ever seen that picture of the Jack-o-lantern that looks like it is 'vomiting" pumpkin slime? (If you haven't before, you have now I included it with this blog) That's my sentiment exactly.

The "fall back" time change thing used to be pretty cool. A whole extra hour in the Halloween weekend to Partay! Except now they moved the date & it isn't on that weekend any more. Not that I party hearty these days anwyas but at least thre is that extra hour to sleep right? Except my kids never seem to get that memo & they still wake up early. And then there is my puppy, we are still working on potty training there, so definitely haven't started teaching her to tell time yet. ;)

Now even I can admit that Halloween is pretty fun & probably the only perk in an otherwise sucky season. But then it's over & you have gained 5 pounds from scarfing all that candy. You got to clean up all the decorative crap you put up which is depressing & usually messy (more pumpkin problems they get very slimy when you forget them on your porch for a few months ewww). All you you have left to show for the whole she-bang are stupid costumes that you paid way too much for & you know your kids will never wear again, because God forbid they could wear the same one 2 years running - GASP!

So Fall sucks. If for no other reason that it leads to Winter which really sucks. I hate being cold so winter is so not for me (altho at least the snow is white & reflects all the sunshiny brightness). Spring is like fall only in reverse. So now I am just left wondering one thing - is it Summer yet?

Disclaimer: This is a VENT against Fall. According to my friend Marci, who is very smart, when you post that something is a VENT it means that while people are allowed to commiserte with you they are not allowed to argue their own point. After all it would be selfish of them to trample all over your anger & self-righteousness wouldn't it? (that part was mine) So if you agree that Fall blows pumpkin chunks- feel free to VENT along with me. If not, well keep you trap shut 'cause I really could care less & you are wrong anyway ;)

Sizing up the Situtation

One of my friend's is involved in a charitable endeavor that provides clothes for needy children. Sometimes she has special situations. Today she put a shout out on Facebook for a mom who was in desperate need for some clothes. Size 14 pants was one of the items needed. I read the post & thought to myself well I have some size 14 pants. I hesitated for a moment in responding tho, not because I wouldn't want to help, but because those are my skinny pants. After a second thought I cursed myself for being selfish & stupid - why hang on to these clothes that are hanging there mocking me every day with their very presence in my closet when I could do some thing positive with them? So I responded that I had some stuff I could donate & I went up to my room & culled the 14s out of my closet.

Now I am sure if you are reading this you are thinking if 14s are her skinny jeans I would hate to see her fat ones! It always amazed me after I lost all that weight 3 years ago when I would read weight loss success stories in magazines like People or Good Housekeeping & the gals would go from about the same weight I started, with a similar weight loss & be in a size 6. I would be like WTF? But under the chub I am just a big girl. I know, I know, the "I have big bones" excuse - totally the biggest fat girl cop out on the planet right? But in my case it's the truth. Even when I am much thinner my measurements are big and I have such big hands I have to wear mens gloves (not saying I have man hands here, they are just big. Big but lady like except maybe when I am giving someone the finger which isn't manly just maybe a bit rude) Anywho I always wonder how ladies who appear way flabbier than me seem to wear a much smaller size. But then I thought about it & came to this conclusion: If you took 8 yards of twine & wrapped it around a toothpick & then took 8 yards of twine around a telephone pole which one would measure bigger around? - right? See I am brilliant LOL

Seriously tho, when I was 15 I got super skinny. Like so totally skinny that people started to tell me I was too skinny & I was scaring them. I was 136 pounds (yes I remember to the exact poundage, it was my all time super skinniest after all) & Iwore a size 11. So for me size 14 is like the Holy Grail of pants sizes - and 3 years ago I held it in the palm of my hand, held on for about a year, & then let it fall from my grip like a fool.

As it turned out my friend didn't need the clothes from me after all - another friend had a large bag already put together & it was a temporary situation. So I was left looking at that pile of clothes on my bed & I felt so aggravated & disgusted with myself. Here I have a whole pile of clothes on my bed & another whole pile still hanging in my closet that I can't wear. Why? Because I gave up. Because I let food mean more to me than health. Because I let vegging out in front of the computer or the tv become more important to me than getting exercise. I must be crazy!!!

Really, I am not exaggerating. I have virtually nothing to wear! Things are really tight for us financially right now so I can't afford to go out & buy a new "fat" wardrobe. I have exactly 1 pair of jeans that fit right now (thank God for stretch denim!) Most of the tops I have worn all summer have been freebie t-shirts with rock bands & sports teams logos on them that my mom gets when she places her supply orders w/ U-Line. I am sure my friends have been wondering what is up w/ the Redneck wardrobe I have been spotin' but thankfully have been too polite to ask!

So for almost 2 years I have been living with a closet full of clothes I cannot wear for the simple reason that I let myself get too fat to fit in them & haven't been motivated enough to lose the weight I need to be healthy & have clothes that fit. Add to that the fact that I can't replace them & I really started to realize what a total stupid moron I am! I know, calling myself names probably isn't very nice - but really I laugh at people all day long for not having the common sense God gave a grapefruit not realizing what a total bone head I am myself. Seriously, here I am with a whole wardrobe of fairly decent clothes & the only thing I have to do to be able to put it on my body instead of letting it gather dust in my closet is eat right and exercise. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I need to get my big ol' but in gear!

This weekend we had had a lot of social stuff going on, football homecoming for my son, a b-day party for a friend's sweet little boy (Happy Birthday J!) & an Oktoberfest party. So I ate donuts & pizza & drank beer. UGH! I regret it now. So I am NOT getting on the scale tomorrow that, I guarantee. But I am going to get on the elliptical in my basement. I am going to drink water. I am going to eat healthy. I need to make myself do this! My new goal is to get back into the clothes I own by next summer. Maybe I will do so totally awesome I can start looking for my jack-a-lope, otherwise known as the size 12! Well a girl can dream anyway ;)

BTW if you have children's clothes that you don't want think about donating them to The Childrens closet.

Finding Normal

The other day my 10 year old daughter asked me if kids made fun of me for being fat & hurt my feeling when I was in school. Before I replied, the first thing I did was ask her if anyone was making fun of her at school. I asked her this because my poor girl also has a weight problem, one we have been trying to figure out practically since the day she was born. Every year at school conferences I ask her teachers this very thing - if anyone has been giving her a hard time because of her weight. Always they tell me no. That she is so well liked that the kids never pick on her. Which makes me sigh with relief down deep in my soul. Because the truth is I was made fun of for being fat when I was in school, actually I was made fun of a lot.

My daughter swore that no one has made fun of her so far this year, but admitted that there was a boy in her class last year that would say mean things to her sometimes & never seemed to like her. Since she was honest with me I decided to be honest with her. Yes, I told her, kids did make fun of me when I was in school for being fat. And they hurt my feelings. They hurt my feelings so badly that even now, as a grown up, sometimes I think about the things they said to me & it still hurts & makes me feel very sad inside.

Then I decided to really be honest with her. I told her that I hate being fat. That I hate that people made fun of me. That when I am fat not only do I feel bad on the inside, emotionally but I feel bad on the outside physically. I am more tired & I am uncomfortable in my own body. That I don't like the way my clothes look on my body & I feel uncomfortable when they don't fit right. I told her how mad I am at myself for wasting all the hard work I did losing weight & getting healthy for my surgery by getting fat again.

I also told her that I loved her no matter what she looked like. That I don't care if she is big or small, short or tall, but I do care if she is not healthy. I tried to explain to her that the reason her dad & I are so careful to try to encourage her to make healthy food & exercise choices is because we don't want her to have to worry about the health issues we have had to deal with or the hurt feelings either.

I tried to explain to her that healthy food & exercise choices are important to everyone. That sometimes people have fast metabolisms & they might burn off calories no matter what they eat but while they might look thin on the outside if they eat a lot of junk they might fat on the inside. I also tried to explain to her that people come in many shapes & sizes but that people who have a tendency to be over weight, people who's bodies don't burn the calories as fast other people's do, people like me, daddy & her, have to be extra careful to make healthy food & exercise choices because if we don't our weight become a real problem.

I believe that statement with my whole whole heart. I absolutely know it to be true. I HATE it with every fiber of my being. Seriously. If you have read my other blog posts you know I have been trying to lose weight. For 2 weeks running I stayed the same. Then I forgot to weigh last weekend & I weighed Monday instead. Big mistake. I was up. It is sooo discouraging. But I knew I would be. Because my motivation has really been lagging lately. I get so fed up with being "good" and always making the healthy choices. I get depressed & I get angry & I think it's NOT FAIR! Why can't I just eat like a normal person!!!

It occurred to me the other day as I was thinking all these thoughts that I really have no freakin' clue what-so-ever how "normal" people eat. By normal I mean average sized people who have never really had weight problems. I definitely don't mean those Hollywood size 00 bobble head looking types that exist on Starbucks & cigarettes. Just regular sized people who eat to live, not live to eat. I know how fat people eat. Any fat person who tells you they don't eat very much & can't figure out why they are fat are lying, either to you or more importantly to themselves. They are eating all right, maybe not at meals, but they are eating somewhere &/or sometime else. I know how to eat on a "diet", God knows I have had enough experience with that. But how do regular people eat?

Do regular people always make healthy food choices? Or do regular people eat whatever the hell they want & their genetically gifted bodies just burn it all off? I really have no clue. If you are reading this, and you are an average sized person please, please explain it to me. Do you think about what you are going to eat before you eat it? Do you keep track of calories & fat grams? Do you exercise all the time? Or do you not worry about exercise because you really don't need to. Really I want to know, one way or the other. Because I have long forgotten how to be "normal" when it comes to food.

I really do know deep down that if I ever want to be a healthy weight that I am going to have to make healthy food & exercise choices for the rest of my life. Somehow I have to stop resenting this. I have to stop wishing that I could eat whatever I want, eat as big of portion sizes as I want & couch potato as much as I want without seeing any consequences. I have to do this for myself & I have to do this for my daughter. I have to show her by doing & hope that one day it just becomes "normal" for me & for her. Because being fat hurts more than your body. It hurts your feelings & your self esteem. It hurts your life.

Come on! Aileen (to the tune of Come on Eileen)

We have a school board member in Huntley who posts regularly on Huntley Neighbors our area message board. She is a crazy narcissistic old bat & she gets on my last nerve. Channeling the Weird Al spirit, I have created a tribute to her:

(Come On! Aileen)
(Come On! Aileen)

Poor old paranoid Cal
his biased blog puts my mind in a fog
he is your cohort but I think he is a wart
on our community
you think he writes news
that we should peruse
You're wrong, so wrong
Now I must say more than ever
(Come On! Aileen)
Too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye, aye
we can sing out our frustration

Come on! Aileen
Oh, I swear can’t understand what she means (what she means)
At this moment you mean nothing
But I digress
My thoughts I confess
Verge on insanity
Oh, come on Aileen

(Come On! Aileen)

These people round town
think your pal Linda Moore is a clown
In the township meeting farces
she avoids the bills & makes ugly faces
But not Pam (no not ever)
But not Pam (not ever)
She shows her up, makes the township work
(Remember)
Too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye, aye
And you'll hum this tune forever

Come on! Aileen
Oh, I swear can’t understand what she means
Aah, come on let's
Ignore everything
That crazy paranoid rant
Aileen (tell you I can’t)
Aah, come on let's
Aah, come on! Aileen

That crazy paranoid rant
Aileen (tell you I can’t)
Aah, come on let's
Aah, come on Aileen




Come on! Aileen, too-rye-aye
Come on! Aileen, too-rye-aye
Now you're full blown
Now you have shown
Oh, Aileen

Say, come on! Aileen
These conspiracies aren’t real and I know
You’re a heel
You think we can’t think for ourselves
Maybe paranoia has made you crazy
I say, too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye-aye

Come on! Aileen
Come on! Aileen
Oh, I swear can’t understand what she means
Aah, come on let's
Ignore everything
That crazy paranoid rant
Aah, come on! Aileen

Come on! Aileen
Come on! Aileen
Oh, I swear can’t understand what she means
Aah, come on let's
Ignore everything
That crazy paranoid rant

Come on! Aileen

Come on! Aileen...

When you get what you paid for

You get what you pay for. At face value you would take that axiom to mean that if you want quality you have to pay a higher price & if you cheap out you get cheap goods. Most of the time I think that is the truth. Altho I tend to be a bargain shopper - love those 70 - 80% off sales woohoo! I do spend money on certain things. One of those things is shoes. Not meaning that I am one of those shoe girls that go out & buy a lot of fancy expensive shoes )not that there is anything wrong with that) I have hard to fit feet. I am a 10WW w/ a high arch. I can search endlessly for shoes that fit sometimes and most of the time when they do fit they aren't very fashionable. Plus w/ my hip problems I need to find shoes that are very supportive & well cushioned or I have joint pain. So I tend to spend more money on good shoes that fit well.

I have a pair of Doc Martens that I have had longer than I've had my husband. Best $100 I ever spent, they are nearly as dear to me as he is ;). I usually buy New Balance sneakers for work at about $80 - $100 a pop. I wear the heck out of them, 8-10 hours or more everyday & on my feet for most of them. They fit well & they hold up great but I usually wear them out in about a year.

Last week it was time for my annual shoe replacement & I decided to try something new. I have been wanting to try the Sketchers Shape-ups. Not b/c I think by wearing them I will walk my way into having a rockin' Linda Hamilton T2 bod or anything, altho wouldn't that be the bomb? But because everyone I have talked to that has them kept telling me how comfortable they are for working/standing all day.

So after many months of craving these shoes I finally ordered a pair. I had to get the "Work Slip Resistant" model b/c they were the only ones that were available in black & wide width, not as cute as some of the others but I figured the trade off would be that they would be more rugged for work. Um yeah, not so much. I got them a week ago today. They are comfortable & they do fit well but this morning, after one week of wear I went to tie me shoes and...RIP! Instead of holes for the laces to go thru these shoes have fabric flap/loop things (see pic above). I tightened my laces & the top one ripped right off! My first thought - Fuck me! I was so pissed.

Today's lesson is you do get what you paid for. In this case I paid over $100 bucks for trendiness & slick advertising which apparently does more for Sketchers than actually having quality product. Fortunately I also had followed another popular trend and ordered them from Zappos.com. I called them this morning and they are sending me new shoes tomorrow. The are black 10ww rocker bottoms from New Balance, not as trendy or cute as the Sketchers but hopefully with the quality I have always gotten from NB. I get free shipping coming & going & they are going to refund the $20 difference in price. They were also super nice & very customer service orientated. Yay!

So my advice is pay a little more when you really want something & you know it is worth the money spent. But make sure what you are paying for is worth the money spent, otherwise you will only be paying for your own foolishness.

I lost 3 pounds this week. Yay me! And while I am glad & happy with the progress I am also trying really hard not to focus too much on the scale - which is why I am weighing once a week now instead of daily like I did previously. One of my very good friends is also trying very hard to lose weight & her Saturday weigh in didn't reflect the loss she had hoped to see. She was pretty bummed out. I told her that success isn't always shown on the scale - that instead of focusing on weight lost try to focus on health gained - that every time you walk or make a healthy food choice it's a step in the right direction no matter what the scale says. She thanked me for the encouragement but I feel like I should thank her because I am trying very hard to adopt that philosophy for myself & helping her reminds me to stay positive & focused too.

I did pretty well w/ my goals last week. No pop. I didn't walk as much as I would have liked - between getting stuck @ work, Jaycees meeting & home responsibilities I just couldn't get out the door. I feel like my food choices were healthy ones for most of the week - but the weekend not so much which is why I have picked Saturday for weigh in. I can see the week's hard work pay off instead of the weekend indulgence setbacks which would be so frustrating & discouraging. Do you like how I play mind games with myself? Which brings me to my topic this week. People with life long weight problems have a weird mental/emotional mind game relationship with food. Food to us isn't just fuel for the body like it's supposed to be, it's almost like a living entity, an invisible friend. Or that little devil &/or angel sitting on your shoulder whispering in your ear.

People with food issues tend to categorize our food choices as being either bad or good - which I guess thin people probably do too. The difference tho is that it isn't just the food choice we believe is good or bad, deep down we believe it makes us good or bad - especially with the bad. The ironic thing is that when we make one of those "bad" choices & feel like we have done a "bad" thing we then feel we are a "bad" person because of it. Because we are soooo "bad" we feel the need to punish ourselves by...wait for it...eating more "bad" things! Totally not logical I know, but since when are emotions logical? I mean you already wrecked it so you might as well wreck it really bad right? You get the little comfort food "buzz" going while your being really "bad" so you feel kind of like you are getting away with something. Only your not because eventually the buzz kills & your just left feeling torn up & guilty & bloated & hating your self. Which leads you into another binge and completely off of any diet plan you may have been trying to be "good" on.

Conversely & perhaps perversely we feel so good when we make "good" choices or have a good weigh in that we want to reward ourselves. And normally the first thing that comes to mind is with the thing that gives the most pleasure - food. You worked sooo hard you deserve a trip to Dairy Queen. Which leads you down the slippery slope of self-sabotage. One little blizzard didn't really hurt so the next day you have another. Soon it backfires in your face, you now feel guilty & ashamed and find yourself being "bad" all over again.

I know for most people this sounds ridiculous & probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I think the closest comparison I can make is probably to some one who is a cutter. They hurt so bad inside & are filled with such self loathing & disgust that they feel compelled to hurt themselves & causing themselves pain, "punishing" themselves by marking their skin is such a relief that it gives them pleasure. For a person with food issues food is our razor blade. Instead of tearing our flesh we mutilate it from the inside out. It's masochistic & probably just a little bit mental. I realize that. If you are reading this maybe you now think I am more than a little bit crazy but maybe instead next time you see a person who is obese you won't think "Ugh! No will power! How do people let themselves get that way?" Instead maybe you will realize that alot of the time it goes down a lot deeper. That they don't let themselves get that way - sometimes they are compelled by feelings & emotions that they haven't learned the proper way to deal with. In my life long struggle between being "good" & "bad" I have learned in most case the outer body is a manifestation of what is going on in the inner & the reason that most diets fail is that you are so busy fixing the outside you don't take time to address the inside. I'm trying my damnedest to do that this go round.

The main thing I have to learn, along with the millions of other people who struggle with this every single day of their lives, is that the choices I make whether good or bad don't necessarily reflect on the kind of person you are. If a person chooses to cheat on their spouse it might mean they are a bad person. If a person chooses to cheat on their diet, not so much. Eating a brownie doesn't make a person bad. Brownies aren't "bad", they may taste sinful but there are is no evil lurking in their ingredients. They are high in calories & most likely not the best choice when watching one's weight but eating one just means I need to make a more nutritious choice for my next meal or that maybe I should go take a walk or add a few minutes to the next work out. It's all about balance. Not the balance between "good" & "bad" but the balance between calories in & calories out. It's very logical, so I guess I need to channel my inner Spock & let go of the emotions I have let food provoke in my psyche.

This week my biggest goal is to move past the choices I made this weekend that weren't so healthy by focusing on continuing with the progress I have made with the previous week's goals. I am also going to think about my choices with my rational brain instead of my emotional heart.

Hello, my name is Kelly & I am a popaholic.....

Let me start by saying I am in no way making light of AA or alcoholism w/ the title of this post. I just feel that it is appropriate for how much I feel addicted to diet soda. I know that sounds pretty extreme but let me take you back a bit. I don't think we drank much pop in my house growing up. If we did it was usually caffeine free & always diet. I probably started drinking it more in my High School years when I could make my own beverage choices at school or when out with friends. Always drank diet tho - a chubby chicks best friend LOL

In my college days I drank Diet Pepsi. I probably went thru about a case a week along w/ whatever I would drink while out & about. Sometime in the mid-90s I switched to Diet Coke. The Dt Pepsi wasn't doing it for me anymore. Maybe I wanted that "Ahhhh!" feeling like in the Coke commercial or something. I was probably going thru @ least 2 cases a week at that point. I quit in late 1999 when I was pregnant w/ F. Went 9 months without a soda but not long after I realized BF was a bust I started drinking it again in mass quantities. I was sleep deprived after all - I need it. I quit again when I became pregnant w/ A. This time tho one day about 5 months in I was having a really stressful afternoon at work & I caved. Bought myself a Diet Coke sat at my desk, took that first icy cold swig & "Ahhhh!" felt all my troubles bubbling away. So for the rest of my pregnancy I allowed my self one daily Dt Coke - usually at 3 pm break. I resumed full consumption after he was born.

About a year or so later I went to the dentist & was shocked to find out I had like 8 cavities or so. The dentist said that the acid from the pop was weakening the enamel & I needed to stop drinking it. I did give it up for awhile but then I caved. Only the Dt Coke wasn't really enough to satisfy me anymore. I switched to Diet Dr Pepper. I was probably drinking at least a 6 pack worth a day if not more.

When I decided to lose weight for my hip surgery a few years back one of my first goals, like now was to quit the pop. By then a lot of research had been coming out that diet pop is detrimental to losing weight. I was pop free for several months but then I got to my goal & it was harder to resist. I started "rewarding" my self after a work out by walking down to the end of the strip center to to a convenience store & buying a Dt Dr Pepper. I mean I had read that caffeine actually boasts you metabolism so really I was helping my self right? And I read on Myspace that Trainer Bob from Biggest Loser was a Diet Dr Pepper fan himself so really didn't that just make it perfect?

But as with the other times eventually one pop became two & two became four & so on. After a year of maintaining pretty well my weight started coming back. I quit the pop a few times over the last year when I have tried to stop the upward spiral of my weight only to fall off the wagon big time. About a year ago I had to make the switch to diet Mt Dew. My Dr Pepper just was giving me the satisfaction I craved anymore. I was still refusing to buy pop for the house - it was my way of keeping my consumption in check. In reality it started making me buy bigger & bigger bottles. Instead of a couple cans I was stopping at BP every morning & grabbing 2 one liter bottles. One for on the way & one for the afternoon crash. Of course that didn't count the pop I would get with lunch or the one I would stop for on my way home. On the weekends I would ask T to stop on his way home & get me one - or if he was home send him out in the morning - couldn't start the day w/ a headache now could I? I also couldn't walk out of a store w/ out grabbing one for the road.

About a month ago I finally realized how much money I was flushing away buying pop at every convenience store & gas station I encountered. So I started buying pop for home again which means I was drinking it non-stop from the moment I woke up to about the time I went to bed. UGH! Not good!

Over the last few years all this research has come out about how bad pop - esp diet pop is for you. It makes your body crave sugar so it actually leads to weight gain. It causes bone density loss. It causes, gulp, belly fat to form. So all of that along with a million other things including my teeth problems you would think staying away from the stuff would be super no brainer right? Sometimes I think all that "bad" stuff actually makes me crave it more (which along w/ some other deviant behavior is something for another post).

The big question I am sure you are asking - the one I ask myself all the time is WHY??? What is the big whoop. Why do I fall to the siren song of carbonated bubbles over & over again. For one thing it is just that. The bubbles - a tingly effervescent "lift" as soon as you open the can or bottle - I absolutely hate flat pop. Which leads me to the taste - obviously the flavor is a big draw. And I am sure caffiene is a huge factor. I mean I don't ever drink caffeine free pop. It just doesn't have the "bite" in the taste for me. I know - probably all in my head but I swear I can tell.

So last week my first goal was to get off the pop - again. I decided to wean off - I think it is easier - no pounding headaches & crazy cravings. I mean to go from what - 3 liters a day to nothing? I would probably have sent my system into shock. So Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday it was 2 cans only. Thursday & Friday it was one can. Now the last of my last 12 pk is gone. So I am on day 3 of no pop. I'm not feeling too crazy yet. I am thirsty all the time tho so I have to start upping my water now. I have noticed I am sleeping better - altho I would have sworn the pop wasn't effecting my sleep habits at all I have realized that while it didn't keep me from falling asleep it made my sleep much more restless. I feel less bloated/poufy too. I got on the scale Saturday & was down 5 pounds. Most of that was pop bloat I am sure but I will take it - it's a step in the right direction anyway.

So this week I concentrate on healthy eating. I did start working on that last week. I was bringing my lunch to work & I went to McDonald's Sat for lunch w/ f & my MIL & I didn't order a fry or a McFlurry which have been McD's mainstays for me all summer. But I wasn't completely dedicated to it yet - yesterday we had a family function at a really nice restaurant & I ate a whole lot of rich foods - my last hurrah! before buckling down I guess (& I am avoiding the scale until next week - don't want to see a rebound from that crazy meal or I will be kicking myself) I am also going to keep up my walking w/ my friend Paige. It's really keeping me motivated to get out there & exercise to have a buddy to go with - thanks Paige!!!! I'd also like to find some more time to blog here - I have a lot of junk streaming thru my brain that I need to get out & examine & deal with if this is going to be successful. T read my first blog post & has committed to being on board with me. I hope w/ all my heart that he can. In the meantime it's one day at a time - so open up a bottle of water w/ me & toast to my first small success ;)

The Definition of InSaNiTy

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein

I have arrived at the conclusion that Einstein may have nailed this one right on the head. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 39. For pretty much all of those years - at least those I can consciously remember - I have struggled with being overweight. For most of them I have tried, many times successfully, to lose weight. The problem is it always seems to find me again.

The first time I remember trying to lose weight was around 4th grade. My mom was usually on some sort of diet & at that age as I became self-conscious of how I looked compared to other kids & was getting teased a lot at school I started joining her. Some time late elementary/early jr high I joined Weight Watchers the first time (notice I said first there). Then there was some "Reaching" w/ Richard Simmons an exercise "tape" - as in cassette tape LOL. None of these efforts led to huge weight losses that I recall - I was a kid tho I am sure it wasn't that important to me - YET!

Then the summer between 9th & 10th we (mom & I) joined a group called TOPS - Taking OFF Pounds Sensibly. It was a support group type thing but no official program. I took off lots of pounds - just not sensibly. Mostly I stopped eating for about a year & got very, very skinny. And I earned an award for it. I was a TOPS Jr champion or some such thing. Somewhere there is a picture of me in a white dress holding a really ugly silver platter. Which my mom still has - a tarnished reminder of my first major weight loss failure. Next was Jenny Craig while I was in Beauty School. 40 pounds lost. Followed by 50-60 back on. WW again around age 21. I lost some weight which crept back on during the college years - my freshman 15 was more like 35. Then I went to my annual OB appt & was horrified to realize I was now - for the first time ever - over the 200 pound mark! So I low carbed my way back down the scale at age 23. Met Todd & was so happy in love I gained 50 pounds back in a year. YIKES! Re-joined Jenny Craig to get weight off for the wedding.

After the wedding the weight gradually made it's way back on. I tired to talk Todd into doing WW with me but one meeting & he was like No Way! - I'm never going back there! Then I went thru infertility treatments & I got heavier than ever. Eventually I had babies - yeah! But my baby weight stayed with me - boo! I started having really severe pain issues w/ my hip & I got depressed & I got really, really fat. I think my highest weigh was about 280. I don't really know I stopped weighing myself. Somewhere during all of this was a purchase of Richard Simmons' (back to the beginning!) Food Mover program - I don't think it ever made it out of the package. I gave up & decided I was just going to be fat & happy. Except I was miserable.

In 2003 I had my first hip surgery. I got a post op infection & was in the hospital for about a month. I lost some weight by circumstance. Same thing happened a year or so later when I was hospitalized for pneumonia. In 2007 I found out I was going to need more surgery to fix the bones that never healed together after the first surgery. So I decided to get myself into fighting shape. Recovery the first time was sooo hard b/c of my weight. Plus I had done some research & found out that obesity (hate that ugly word) can prevent bones from healing. I was a woman on a mission! I lost about 80 pounds! Wow! It was really awesome.

I was certain I would never gain that weight back. I kept it off for a whole year. I really thought I was home free. Except I wasn't. I was so focused on the goal - weight off for surgery - that when I reached it I lost my focus completely. My recovery from surgery was much easier but I never fully recovered the use of the muscles in my left leg. I was struggling with daily tasks & having pain. After some tests I found out I had muscle atrophy. In addition they weren't able to fix the bone that was giving me the most pain - I would need another surgery. Instead of calling my dr & setting up an appointment to figure out how to get those muscles working again I played ostrich. Stuck my head so far up my...well...you know what and just ignored it all. I felt like it was all for nothing!!! I stopped trying to work out b/c it hurt. I stopped watching what I ate b/c what difference did it make. What good was being so healthy if I was in pain all the time & I couldn't enjoy it.

Now I have learned a very painful lesson. I have been saying for months that I will not be a Kirstie Alley - well my Kirstie moment has arrived. I have now, over the course of the last year, gained almost all of it back. I am unhappy & unhealthy. Everything hurts MORE b/c I am so heavy. My muscle problems are worse instead of better. Ignoring problems doesn't make them go away - it lets them grow like mold in the hidden corner of a damp basement until one day it becomes the problem you can't ignore. You have a house that is no longer fit to live in - or a body that feels almost the same way.

So it is the day after my birthday & I am determined that I won't be fat by my next one. I am going to do it all again. But this time I have to stop the insanity! (look out Susan Powter LOL) I have to figure out why (besides the obvious eat too much exercise too little) I am fat. I have to dig down deep & fix it so that I don't repeat the loss/gain cycle AGAIN!!!!

My long term goal is fit by forty My ultimate goal is fit for life. I am not really too worried about reaching a certain number on the scale - fitting back into the clothes currently hanging in my closet will be a pretty good indication I am heading in the right direction.

My short term goal for this week is to wean myself off the Dt Mt Dew - I am such a diet soda addict. For the weeks ahead it is to keep up the walking I have been doing w/ my friend Paige - when we started walking a couple of weeks ago it made me realize not only how far I've fallen fitness wise but how good it feels to get the body moving. To make healthy food choices and to blog.

Why blog about this? Because it makes me accountable to myself to put it out there in the world. Obviously it's no secret I am not thin - so what is the point in hiding what I'm doing? One of the things I found very helpful last time to keep focused was to write about it on my Myspace page. I stopped using Myspace & I stopped writing about things. It seems like it really makes me think about what is going on in my life & notice how it is effecting me/ how I am reacting to it when I write it down. The other thing is maybe it can help other people that are going through the same thing. I know there are a lot of people in the same boat out there.

So in addition to the quirky observations about life I like to write about a lot of my blog posts from now on are going to be about this weight loss journey. I also plan on digging deep inside myself to the dark places to deal with my feelings about weight, food, exercise & body image. If I post something very personal I probably won't announce it on Facebook, but it will be here if you want to follow along with me.

My focus has to be on getting healthy & staying that way. I have to do this for myself number one. But also I have to do this for my daughter who has a weight problem. I have to set a good example of healthy behavior & positive lifestyle choices for her before she tumbles into the same pattern that I have been repeating my whole life. Because for that to happen, in my mind, would truly be insane.

A Rose by Any Other Name...

After graduation from High School I attended Beauty School. I had a small group of friends that I hung out with & ate with & took breaks with. We were a diverse group but we all kinda clicked. We would sit & chat during breaks and talk about all kinds of things but mostly life stuff. Eventually the girl's started calling me Rose. Not for any sweet or romantic reason. But b/c of my habit of telling "stories" that seemed to fit just about any topic of conversation. It came from the character Rose on the tv show Golden Girls. She was the sweet but somewhat air-headed old gal who, whenever her more dynamic roomies would find themselves in some sort of crazy situation or problem, would relate whatever was happening to a story from her beloved home of St. Olaf. Most of these stories would start out pretty innocent & somewhat confusing but would come to a conclusion that was rather, well...bent. Think of it as Betty White goes to Band Camp.

At the time I was really embarrassed by this and started to feel somewhat self - conscious and would have second thoughts before I would say anything. I mean the Rose character comparison was hardly flattering. She was that stereotypical blond joke kind of gal. A geriatric Chrissy Snow. When your 18 & you are trying to find yourself a bubble head in support stockings is so NOT the image you are going for. So I tried to check St. Olaf at the door & worked to develop my conversational skills. It was hard. It's like my brain would race about linking up what I was hearing w/ past stories floating about in my memory banks. I would try to ignore them but sometimes it would be too much & they would just burst free - like they had to be told.

Cutting hair you have to be a good conversationalist. I tried to hone those skills. Really I did. But I am just not very good at the small talk kind of thing. If a customer was a big talker I could just prompt & listen. Then it was easier because sometimes their stories were more interesting than what ever was rattling around in my head at the time if not well at least I didn't have to try so hard to think of something to say. But if they weren't talkative, ugh, the silence in my head would drive me insane. If after a gazillion times of where are you from & what do you do for a living got to be to much I would start to tell my stories. If one got a good response I would re-tell it throughout the day if it worked with whatever topic was at hand. I think, actually I know, I sometimes drove my co-workers insane with the repetition. But I kept myself entertained & it made the day go faster - at least for me.

Over the years I have tried to rein the stories in. But these days I am a bit more accepting of myself & my quirks. I think story telling is somehow just a part of who I am. I know my grandfather could craft a totally entertaining story. So could his mother. I think I heard the story of how she met her husband, my great-grandfather, at least a half a dozen times. I would have listened to it a half a dozen more, I loved it. One of the things I miss most now that my grandparents & great-grandmothers are gone are their stories. My job now doesn't lend itself to long conversations. So small talk is all I get a lot of the time. In the meantime it seems that with the advent of Myspace, Facebook & blogging everyone has a story to tell so suddenly my story telling tendencies don't seem so odd. Writing them out also gives me an outlet so I am not always talking some one's ears off. Altho, I know I have a tendency to do that too, esp after a few cocktails (sorry bunco girls LOL). So being a "Rose" doesn't bother me so much anymore. After all who is more cool these days than Betty White?

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Aquarium

Last Sunday we decided to take the kids to Shedd Aquarium downtown Chicago. My parents decided to come with so we picked them up and headed down into the city. I was sitting w/ A in the way back. F can't climb back in her current condition & my mom sometimes gets car sick. It is kinda weird sitting back there - quieter & you tend to look at more stuff.

My phone GPS took us right to the front of the Shedd, which unfortunately is NOT where the parking lot is. So we had to do a U-turn & head back down Lake Shore Dr to hit the exit that takes you to the access road to Shedd. It gave us some time to view the sights of the Lakefront tho. Beautiful boats. Sparkling lake. Buckingham Fountain. Three shirtless young men in jogging shorts with tanned toned torsos waiting at the corner with perspiration glistening... "EWWW...GROSS!!" my 10 yr old daughter F exclaims!

"What? What's gross?" I ask.
"When guys have those squares on their stomach. It's so gross" she replies.
Squares? I think - what squares?. Then I realize she is referring to the 6-pack abs I was just uh... glancing at out the window.

My mom interrupts. "That's not gross that's what men look like when they are in good shape. It's muscles".

"No" she says. "It's Gross."

"Honey" I say. "when guys are real healthy & they exercise alot the muscles show. It's supposed to look like that."

"I think it is gross" she says again.

"You'll change your mind about that in a few years" my dad pipes up with.

She shakes her head in disagreement. So does T. I am sure he is not minding at all that she is repelled by the site of half naked guys w/ 6 packs.

So I wonder later will she change her mind? Should she? I am the first person to rail against the female "ideal" the media forces down our throats. Where a sz 2 JLo is considered "full-figured" & sz 0 seems to be the new Hollywood ideal. So maybe I am being a bit hypocritical telling her that is what a "healthy" male body looks like.

The fact is that people come in lot's of shapes & sizes. Not many people - male or female - have bodies that would be considered "ideal" by media/Hollywood standards. And everyone has different tastes in what they find attractive. There is a female trainer at our gym that has a physique that most of the girls I know sigh over. She has such an awesome body they say! We saw her out running the other day on the way to the library & T says to me I know everyone thinks she has an awesome body but she is so skinny I think she looks kinda gross. (Hmmm like father like daughter LOL) So obviously my darling hubby like girls with a bit more substance. Good thing for me eh? LOL

And when it come right down to it I have always preferred bigger guys. I have never been really attracted to men who were thin. I always said that I could never date a guy could get into my pants (ha ha I mean wear them - not that other thing - get your mind out of the gutter). And while I can admire a 6 pack set of abs as much as the next girl (um hello Team Jacob all the way baby!) it's not like I would know if I would actually be attracted to a set if they were right in front of me. 6 Packs are kind of like Siberian Tigers. You know that they exist. You have seen them in pictures & from a distance but they aren't exactly abundant out there in the wild. KWIM?

So I guess what it all boils down to is I wondered how much of it is a natural progression of growing up to go from GROSS! to Yum! over a six pack, firm pecs, broad shoulders... uh...where was I? Hmmm... oh! yeah... and how much of it is learned thru media exposure & peer (parent? whoops) influence. But in the meantime I will just be glad that my wonderful sweet girl is more interested in Poke'mon than Zac Effron (who People mag says has the hottest bod right now if you're interested in that kind of thing). And maybe I will put of getting that copy of New Moon she has been asking for just a little bit longer. I wouldn't want to gross her out ya know ;)

One Second Can change Your Life - Or Not...

On my way home yesterday I was stopped at a three-way stop waiting to turn left. The person to my left had just turned right. No one was stopped at the stop sign in the oncoming lane but there was a black SUV coming quickly toward the intersection. I thought to myself I wonder if it is going to stop. I started to make my turn but hesitated to wait & make sure it stopped. It didn't stop. Flew right past me about 40 mph. As it whooshed by I turned to look over my shoulder - arms flying up in a WTF arm wave. I glanced back forward to double check that there was a stop sign in the oncoming lane. (There is - I even took a quick pic of it today & if you squint real hard you can probably see it) Another heart beat passed - I thought to myself guess it didn't stop. Then I made my turn. I was thinking the rest of the way home what could have happened to me if I had made that turn.

I have been driving a pretty long time & I think along w/ experience you develop a certain unconscious instinct & awareness about your surroundings that you don't have when you first start. If there is one thing I will try to teach my kids when they start driving (beside the always wear your seat-belt rule) it is just b/c there is a stop sign/light doesn't mean the other guy is going to stop. And just b/c their turn signal is on doesn't mean they are actually going to turn. Signs, lights & signals are worthless if the other driver isn't paying attention or using them correctly.

When I got home I was still feeling mad & a bit weirded out about the whole thing. I started to tell T about what happened. He got this totally horrified look look on his face. He said to me if you had turned instead of waiting you could have been killed. He came over & gave me a big hug. He said it was b/c he thought I needed one. I think maybe he needed one too. It's scary sometimes how a split second choice can change you life - or not...

My first ever blog post - kinda

I have been thinking of starting an actual blog for awhile now. Mostly I put it of b/c of laziness. I worried that I would start one & then I would get too busy or distracted to keep up with it & let it languish out there all neglected & stuff. So I was just kinda mini-blogging via FB status. Problem is a lot of times I have more to say than the 420 character allotment - so then I have to edit it down & that aggravates me.

There is also the comments I get from some people sometimes about how "much" I update my status. Um that's why it is there. If you don't care what's on my mind don't read it. Don't hide me tho - it would make me feel bad LOL. I also have a lot of people tell me they love reading my status updates - so for all of you who want more of my crazy brain - here you go :)

One warning tho - I will probably get a little more raw & real here than I do on Facebook. And probably a little more personal too b/c above all the reasons I started a blog the real reason I am starting this is for me. I am generally more at peace w/ my brain when I can get the thoughts out there on the "page".

So consider this first post an invitation but also fair warning - you're welcome to my world just don't be too shocked by what you find lurking in the dark corners. ;)