Faith's Hipstory

My daughter Faith’s hipstory has been quite atypical compared to most children born with developmental dysplasia of the hip (DDH). Faith was born May 21, 2000. She was my first baby and like most first time parents I was thrilled but scared out of my mind. One of things I worried most about was that she would be born with hip dysplasia. I have bi-lateral hip dysplasia, something I didn’t know I had until the age of 25. Somehow it was never diagnosed when I was a child and was then misdiagnosed over and over by my primary care physician from the time I started having pain and frequent dislocations at age 19 until I finally took it upon myself to go to an orthopedic specialist at age 25. The ortho I saw informed me there were no treatment options for adults my age and because I was too young for a hip replacement that I should just take Advil and learn to live with it. Consequently my concern about her hips being ok was one of the things I stressed most with her first pediatrician. When she was a few weeks old we switched pediatricians over another issue related to her care and were really pleased when the new pediatrician seemed to be so thorough reviewing our health histories and new parent concerns.
At her first exam after birth her hips were pronounced fine, just as they were at each subsequent well baby visit she had from then until we found out the bitter truth as she was about to turn 2. Faith had hit all her milestones right on time until her first birthday came and went and she gave no sign of walking or even coasting around furniture. When she did finally start to stand and eventually walk at 17 months she was very bow-legged, like a cowboy. I went round and round with the pediatrician about my concerns regarding this – could it be her hips? He kept insisting her hips were fine it was just because she was a chubby baby that she was late to walk and stood that way.
It wasn’t until she was just about to turn two and I was videoing her doing a silly dance on the coffee table top that I noticed something really strange. With each step she was coming down onto the insteps of her feet rather than the soles. I started watching as she was walking and it soon became apparent that it was getting more and more pronounced. Even though we were due for a well baby visit soon I called the pediatricians office and insisted on an appointment. I think the doctor was prepared to reassure me and see me on my way. Instead he finally admitted he had no explanation for the pronation that was occurring and finally referred us to the Orthopedics Department at Children’s in Chicago. Something was definitely wrong and it would turn out to be much more than we could have ever imagined - lesson learned: always trust the mommy instincts!!!
We met with Dr. Grayhack from Children’s on the day before Faith’s second birthday. We told him about our concerns and explained everything that we had observed up to that point. He examined her from hips to toes. Her initial exam seemed fine but he told us he wanted to x-ray her as a precaution because I had told him I have hip dysplasia. After the x-ray he came back with his nurse and told us he was sending Faith with her to play for a while and he needed us to take a seat. The x-ray showed that both of her hips were completely outside of the socket and the only thing holding her up was muscle and tendon. Since she literally had no hip sockets formed none of the usual indicators for DDH were present when she was examined. There was no popping or clicking when the hips were rotated and her leg creases were even. What this meant at her age was surgery was the only option. Dr Grayhack told us to go home and let it sink in; he knew it was a shock. He even gave us his cell phone number so that we could call and ask questions as we needed to.
When we got home I immediately started doing searches on the internet about hip dysplasia. What I found out was that 3 of the most common factors related to DDH was that it occurred in children who were first born, children that were female and children with a family history of hip dysplasia. This not only added to my initial shock but made me furiously angry, not only at all the doctors, including my own, who had failed to tell me this disorder could be inherited but at myself for never doing any research on this disorder that had not only effected my health and well being for so many years but was now going to be effecting my young daughter’s life in a profound way. She was the first born female child of a first born female who had bi-lateral hip dysplasia. If the proper protocols had been followed she should have had ultrasounds done of her hips at 3 months and x-rays at 6 months regardless of the results of her well baby exams (tests which were ordered and carried out on my son who was born just months before Faith’s diagnosis. Thankfully his hips developed normally) Instead thanks to the ignorance of the health providers entrusted with her care and her own mother who had never bothered to look for answers for herself we were faced with major surgery. I still feel sooo much guilt over this all these years later.
Faith had both a pelvic and a femoral osteotomy performed first on her right hip in August 2002 then on her left hip three weeks later in September. She was put into a hip spica cast that went from chest to toes for a total of 9 weeks. We were constantly amazed at how quick she adapted to the cast. She would literally Army crawl pulling herself in that heavy cast anywhere she wanted to go, she could also flip over from front to back to play or reach for things behind her. When the cast was removed it was followed by 6 months in a brace. She also had to endure months of physical therapy to relearn to walk again, first with a walker then on her own two feet. There is nothing more heartrending than having to sit by and listen to your little one cry during their PT sessions and know that it was totally necessary and there was nothing you could do to help.

About a year later we were shocked to find out she needed to have the left hip done again as it wasn't staying where the doctor put it! She had another pelvic and femoral osteotomy done on the left hip Jan 2004 with 6 more weeks in a spica cast, another 6 months in a brace and lots more PT. Faith pulled through it all like a little trooper. At one point her doctor even remarked that she was the happiest child in a spica cast he had ever seen! The surgery successfully kept her hip in the socket but the extreme rotation needed to keep it in place caused her left leg to turn out. She also now had a leg length discrepancy and an obvious limp and rolling gate when she walked. We pretty much knew we would eventually have to do surgery again to correct this but in the meantime she needed to heal and grow strong.
 In the years that followed we had regular follow-ups and watched and waited for the right time to move forward with the next surgery. We focused on getting Faith back into normal activities with her peers. When she was 4 we got her into the special needs pre-school program in our school district. She started pre-school in her brace and her teachers were just amazed by her ability to get around in it. The following year when school was out we signed her up for t-ball for the first time. She loved it and kept on playing every summer as she progressed from t-ball to beginner baseball and then on to softball. She always put her whole heart into playing to the best of her ability and while she was never the fastest runner she became a really great hitter and was always appreciated by her coaches for her positive and cooperative attitude. During her 4^th grade year she decided to try club volleyball. The practices and tournaments were long and intense but she stuck with it and held her own. As she approached her 10^th birthday it was determined it was time to do the next surgery to try to straighten out her leg and hopefully position it so the leg length discrepancy would lessen.
Faith didn’t remember a lot about her past surgeries, she had seen pictures of course but didn’t remember what it was like in the hospital, how she felt during her recovery or being in the spica casts or the braces. She was a little scared but she was ready to face it. She only asked that she could wait until after spring softball was over so she could play. We decided to respect her request and she had a femoral osteotomy on her left hip in July 2010. I was so worried how she would handle the pain and recovery post op and the mobility issues as a bigger kid instead of a toddler that we could hold, carry and handle all her personal needs for. Faith handled her post op recovery with good spirits and courage. She never cried or complained not even during those first PT sessions in the hospital. After the surgery she was put into a brace (no cast thank God!) and spent the rest of her summer non-weight bearing. 
She started 5^th grade in a wheelchair with a walker for transitioning as needed. As the weeks went by she progressed to crutches and then a single crutch and then finally by winter she was finally back to full weight bearing status. Just as we were approaching her next follow-up and hopefully the all clear to resume all activities she started having pain in her leg. Even thought she had an appointment coming up in a month those mommy instincts told me “do not wait” and I learned to listen!
We called her Dr. Grayhack’s office and got her in right away. They had her get an x-ray as soon as we got there. When her doctor and his nurse came into the exam room her doctor looked absolutely stricken and we knew something was very wrong. It was like I had a flashback to her first appointment. The only difference was Faith was allowed to stay this time and we were already sitting down. The metal plate in her leg had snapped in half! This is something that just never happens! Since then bone had not finished healing completely either we were back to square one. She was immediately put on non-weight bearing status until we could get her into surgery. Everything had to be redone with the addition of bone grafting and a bigger, stronger plate. He also decided to keep her non-weight bearing longer and be more conservative on the progressive weight bearing as she healed.
Faith cried in the exam room when we heard the news, but so did her dad and I. Her doctor looked like he would have liked to as well. By the time we left the tears had stopped and she was ready to face the challenge of another surgery. She had surgery again a few weeks later in March 2011. Afterward she was back in the brace full time. She had about a week or so of recovery after we got out of the hospital and then was tutored at home for a few weeks. She went back to school in her wheelchair and brace. She finished out the year and even went to the 5^th grade dance in her wheelchair. She was disappointed to have to miss the softball season that spring but still cheered her brother on during his baseball games.
She finally got off of her crutches for good the week before her first day of Middle School. They school gave her the key to use the elevator since most of her classes were upstairs. She kept it just in case but decided she would rather take the stairs because she felt it would help her leg get stronger! She spent the next few months concentrating on her PT and getting her strength back so she could play softball. When spring came she was able to play softball again. Her joy was evident to all who watched her play. One of her former coaches told my husband how happy he was to see her back out there on the field after all she had gone thru the previous year and that he wished that the players he coached had even half her heart. As softball season started winding down she told her great-grandmother that she wanted golf clubs for her 12^th  birthday. Faith had been doing some golfing with her physical therapist as part of her therapy and wanted to take lessons and learn how to golf for real. When softball let out she had golf lessons and she went out golfing a couple times w/ a family friend.
As the start of 7^th grade approached Faith decided she wanted to do Fallball. She also tried out for the school volleyball team. She didn’t make the team but the coach asked her to be manager, which meant she went to all the practices and games with the team and along with keeping stats was a ball shagger – which means she had to run after the balls that got away from the girls during practice. There were many days that she would go straight from volleyball practice to softball. She also participated in a school walk to support the troops and though it was hard for her to walk such a long distance she was determined to finish and even refused the teacher’s offer to send a bus back to pick her up and take her to the finish. Her friends that had already reached the end came back and walked with her until she made it all the way to the finish. Things were going pretty good, life had gotten back to normal and she felt like a regular kid again.
Then I got one of those phone calls at work that parents dread. Faith had fallen during gym and was hurt. They were doing volleyball drills and she took a step forward to serve against the wall and her leg just went out from under her and she went down on her knees hard. Except it weren’t her knees that hurt, it was her right hip. The x-rays at the ER revealed that she had evidence of a chip fracture. A very small fragment of bone had chipped off from the femur. I had them call her ortho immediately and the ER nurse actually texted a photo of the x-ray to his phone. It is not an injury that required surgery or immobilization but she had to go back on crutches and be non-weight bearing for awhile. Having to go back on crutches hit her hard. For the first time she really got upset and had a meltdown - It was unfair! Why does stuff like this always have to happen to her! How come no one else has hip problems like this!  I hugged her hard. I told her it was just an accident and lots of people have accidents and wind up on crutches. That it was true not that many people have had them so soon after spending months dealing with wheelchairs, walkers, and crutches like she had but that just meant she would already be a master at them. I reassured her that it wasn’t going to be as hard or last so long as it had after her surgeries and that she had always been so strong and not to let this get the best of her. I also teased her that she knew other people had hip dysplasia problems – after all she was sitting right next to me and I was still recovering from my 3^rd hip surgery! She laughed and said she meant other kids but she also wiped away the tears and gave me a big hug. She was able to shake of the bad feelings and go right on with her life with barely a hitch. Thankfully the crutches only lasted about 3 weeks this time.
Throughout the school year she went to the teen dances at the park district every month. She loves to dance and always tells me that while her friends like to walk around and chat she thinks that is boring and the music makes her have to dance! This spring she signed up for Girls on Track – the middle school level of the Girls on the Run Program. The GOTR program uses the foundation of training for a 5k race to teach girls to feel confident in themselves and how to establish positive peer relationships. She had practice every Tuesday and Thursday to train for the 5k. She also started softball season so she was having softball practice along with race practice. In the midst of both of these things she participated in a 24 hour walk for a pediatric cancer charity at her school. Each team had to have at least one walker going at all times. I supervised a 4 hour shift and she told me she was going to walk all night! She took every one of her shifts and even walked extra shifts sometimes with her friends. If her hips started hurting she did half shifts until she felt better.
In May of this year, during the weekend that occurred just a few days before her 13th birthday, Faith proved to the world that with hard work and heart anything is possible. Friday night she had a birthday slumber party with her friends and danced all night to either the IPod or Just Dance. Saturday she played softball and pitched the last 2 innings of the game (earlier in the week she pitched the entire game and it was their first win of the season). Then Sunday morning she had the GOTR 5k race. My friend Mary had agreed to be her running buddy. Mary is an experienced runner, a great mom and most importantly cares greatly about my daughter. My biggest fear as race day approached was that she wouldn’t be able to finish. During the practice walks I had been doing with Faith around the 2 mile mark she would start having pain in her right hip and would want to rest or stop. My next biggest fear was that even if she did finish she would be dead last coming in after everyone was long done. I had been giving her a couple of “you can do it” pep talks as the day of the race approached. I talked to Mary and she reassured me that she knew just how to pace her and it would be fine.
As the race started I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest! I figured it would probably take Faith about an hour based on her previous times even though she had never finished the whole 3.1 miles before. I tried not to get too anxious but as girls started crossing the finish line I got a lump in my throat and anxiety pooled in my gut. I was so worried! My mom decided to go wait further down before the last corner the runners would turn at for the home stretch in case she would need extra encouragement. The clock had just flipped past the 1 hr mark when we heard the DJ announce that the last runner had just made the 3 mile marker. I was just thinking to myself well if she is last then at least it won’t be too much longer when my husband shouted “There she is!”. Around the corner she came, jogging in at a steady pace, huge grin on her face waving to the crowd cheering the runners. As she ran past us I tried to snap pictures but my hands were shaking and tears were running down my face. My mom came running up to us and she was crying too. She told me Faith had run the whole last length smiling all the way and as she passed them by she had ran over and high-fived her and our son Andrew, her younger brother.
 When we caught up with her and Mary on the other side of the finish line Faith was so excited. She told us she felt so accomplished and she wanted to do it again next year. Mary said she did great. They had paced themselves alternating between jogging and then walking, took their water breaks and stopped to pose by the mile marker signs to snap a picture. While many of the girls around her looked like they were worn out and miserable Faith’s face glowed with joy and happiness. Her final running time was 1 hour and 2 minutes. As we hugged and talked and took more pictures of her with her race medal we finally heard the DJ announce the last of the runners had crossed the finish line.
My biggest concern in sharing Faith’s story is that other parents of children with DDH will be discouraged; after all we didn’t have a miracle surgery that resulted in a Super Sparkly Happy Ever After. While it is true we would have much preferred to have had that happen instead we had some failures along with the successes treatment wise and numerous setbacks. It is a journey that has not been easy but I hope with all my heart that other parents reading this can look past those things and instead be encouraged and inspired by Faith’s story. Mary told us after the race that Faith had been awesome, that “she never said I can’t and she never stopped smiling”. That is Faith in a nutshell. She never says I can’t, she always tries her best and she never lets hip dysplasia stop her from trying new things or doing the things she wants to do. If you were to ask her about her interests she would tell you that she isn’t really into girly stuff, that she is more “athletic” and into sports. She still has a small leg length discrepancy and walks with a rolling gate. She will never be the fastest or the star athlete in the usual sense as you think of those kinds of things, but she is the most courageous, strong and determined girl you will ever witness on the diamond, the course, the court or even on the track.

I am not sure what the future will bring. At her last ortho visit about 10 months ago we were given the option to consider a procedure to try to even up the leg length by stopping the growth of the longer leg for a short time so the other could catch up. We have been very reluctant to put her through another surgery and have been leaning away from doing it, she uses an orthotic with a lift right now. There was also something questionable about how her right hip was looking in the x-ray. Her doctor consulted with some of his colleagues and the consensus was to just watch it. Since then I have been worried and have been feeling that niggling feeling of dread in the back of my mind because over the course of the last year she has been having pain in that hip more and more during extended activity.

As it turns out I was right to worry. In the week since I wrote that last paragraph we had a follow up appointment with Dr. Grayhack. Her right hip socket has become very shallow & it is looking like she will need surgery again. Dr. Grayhack also feels very strongly we should do the procedure that interferes with the growth plate to even out her leg length discrepancy which he says is about 2.5 cm. That procedure itself is a minor one compared to everything else she has been through, however if she is going to need the hip operated on as well we could do them both together.  He has referred us to another orthopedic surgeon at Children’s that specializes in hip deformities in adolescents & young adults. We will be seeing him on June 20^thand hopefully we will have a better idea about what the future will bring. No matter what happens though, I know with all my heart she will persevere with the same amount of courage and the positive outlook that she  has always had. We will keep moving forward one step at time no matter how hard they may be and we will not let this disorder get the best of us.  

Three months Post Op

Today it is officially 3 months since my surgery. It has been a long and often still frustrating recovery. I really imagined I would be so much further by now. I knew that this repair was not in the socket area so I thought it would be easier. I think this has actually been my most difficult recovery yet. I am actually going to attach scans of my surgery report, I understand from the 2 PTs who have read it that it is quite fascinating. I will say that when I realized after my first post-op visit what I actually held in my hand my heart sped  up & I became very nervous/excited and not at all for the reasons you might think. I scanned the report frantically searching for a specific word I had hoped with all my heart NOT to see!
What word could have my heart tripping? It is a word that had nothing at all to do with the context of the actual surgery but was one that I read on the report of my first surgical report 9 years ago that left me reeling. That word was obese. As in the description of me being an obese female blah, blah.... I was shocked, humiliated & embarrassed. Even though I knew I was over-weight I never thought of my self as obese. It is such a harsh, horrible, shameful sounding word. It is Jabba the Hut & Johnny Depp's mom in What's Eating Gilbert Grape but surely, definitely, not me. Except it was. So I lost a lot of weight before my 2nd surgery & I kept it off for a year until...I didn't. (I won't rehash all that now you can go back a peruse some older posts if you want that old tale.)  I was determined to lose it again & get back into shape before this 3rd (hopefully last) surgery. I joined Weight Watchers in April of last year & by the date of my surgery I had lost 77 pounds. So it was with much anticipation that I looked for the dreaded O word on my surgical report, which much to my relief was not there. Only the dreaded F (as in 40) word was there but I had come to terms with that one months ago. 
Since my surgery I have had 6 pounds creep back on - since I spent 2 whole months literally sitting on my can I wasn't too shocked by this. I was quite disappointed n myself tho, because even tho the inactivity played a huge part I know that I let my boredom, depression & just general discontent with the unexpected slowness of my recovery process rule my food choices at times. Right now I am focusing really hard on getting back to the level of fitness I had prior to my surgery. Before my surgery I could walk several miles, in pain the whole time & miserable, but I could do it! And most shocking I enjoyed it! I was hiking with friends and it felt so good to get out into the world and move! Before I scheduled my surgery I signed up for the Dirty Girl 5K which is June 30th. I am absolutely determined that I will, at the very least, walk the entire course. I am working up to the distance with daily walks but am thwarted by the necessity of still using a cane for longer distances. I am also still battling numbness in by bum & back of the thigh along with muscle weakness. I guess I had this vision of the day I was released for full weight bearing as the day I would toss away the cane & strut off into the sunset...yeah not so much. So I just keep walking, taking one step at a time...

Thank you Hannah Martin Elementary!

I posted this on Humtley neighbors but wanted to share it here too:

I would like to express my thanks & gratitude to the staff & students of Hannah Martin for a fantastic school year. My daughter Faith has thrived there the last 3 years but this year has been especially wonderful despite some rather un-wonderful & rather extraordinary events that have occurred in her young life during the past 11 months. I really wanted everyone to know how much we appreciate everything that everyone in the school has done for us. If you would like to learn more, please keep reading. It’s pretty long tho – I have a tendency to go word crazy ;)




My daughter Faith was a 5th grade student at Martin this year. Faith has bi-lateral hip dysplasia. She had back to back surgeries 3 weeks apart at age 2 & then another surgery on her left hip at 3 ½. The latter surgery helped get her hip socket formed correctly but left her with a left leg that turned out. Last July she had surgery again to try to straighten out her left leg & hopefully help with her gait. They cut thru her femur at the “neck” where the ball is at the top. The leg was repositioned & then a metal plate & screws were put in to stabilize it while it healed. We weren’t certain what her weight bearing status was going to be when she started school last Fall. A few days before school started she had x-rays and we learned she was still going to be non-weight bearing & in a wheel chair still as school was starting.



When we got home from her appointment I called District 158 transportation & Martin to let them know. From the very beginning everyone was supportive and helpful. New bus arrangements were made & given to us. When we went to open house all of the staff that would be working with her made sure to touch base with us and reassure us everything would be fine. When we met with Faith’s new teacher Miss Weel she greeted us with a big smile and a burst of positive energy. She was not expecting nor had a chance to plan for a child in a wheelchair to be in her classroom but she took it all in stride and said how excited she was to have Faith in her class this year.



Things went pretty well. Faith progressed from the wheel chair to just using a walker to walking on her own. She still needed some extra time & help but things were getting back to normal. Then in late February she started complaining of pain in the evenings. At first we assumed it was muscle soreness due to the increase in activity but as it seemed to get worse instead of better & her PT noticed her strength was lessening instead of improving we called to get her into the doctor. It turned out that the metal plate in her leg and broke literally in half! Plus the bone was still not healed all the way thru. There was a significant gap that needed to fill with new bone & the plate had given out before the bone was finished healing. She was going to have to have surgery again almost immediately. We went to school the next day with her on crutches & bearing the bad news. She was to have surgery on the next Thursday, March 10th and then would be out of school until after Spring Break.



After her surgery I went into school to check on homework. The office staff and nurse talked to me about setting up in-home tutoring. I got a phone call awhile later that her teacher from last year, Miss McMahon had volunteered for the assignment as soon as it was put out & would that work for us. Knowing that a teacher that Faith already knew & loved would be coming in to help made my day. Miss McMahon is not only an awesome teacher but a great friend to my daughter. She had come to visit her over the summer after the first surgery, so had Mrs. Martin another teacher at the school that Faith was very fond of. Faith recovered at home from her surgery boosted by emails from Miss Weel, cards from her classmates, a visit by her girl scout troop & tutoring visits from Miss McMahon.



When Spring Break was over she resumed school back in a wheelchair & completely non-weight bearing. She was back on the special bus with a simple phone call and welcomed back to the building & classroom with warm happy smiles. I can’t say enough about the compassion, warmth & incredibly positive & supportive attitude of everyone on the Martin staff. From the support staff in the office, to the nurses and Mrs. Taylor the social worker to the teachers she learned from & worked with: Miss Weel, Mrs. Burley, Miss McMahon & Mrs. Martin & the specials teachers. To the administrative staff at the school & in the special needs department. I also must mention the transportation staff & her awesome bus driver & aide.



As wonderful as the staff has been I also have to give my deepest heart felt thanks to the students at Martin. We hear often these days about bullying in the schools. I was so worried about my daughter going to 5th grade in a wheelchair & a big ugly orthopedic brace that encircled her body. As we all know kids can be cruel when other kids are different, but the students at Martin were as accepting as the adults. Her classmates helped out and treated her with kindness. Every time we went to a school event or even if we ran into kids outside of school shopping she was greeted with waves & warm smiles & “Hi Faith!” She attended the 5th grade dance in her wheelchair & had the time of her life.



With the emotional & physical ups & downs Faith experienced this school year the potential for disaster was huge. Instead it was her best year yet. She came home with straight As on her report card but more importantly she finished off the year full of confidence & excitement over being an “official” middle schooler next year.



I know some might question why I would reveal so much of my family’s personal life in a public forum. But with all the negatives that get posted everyday I wanted to share something I feel is so profoundly positive about our community. The kindness & support we have received from the district, the school & the people of Huntley this past year has been tremendous. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Call me Cleopatra...

Denial may not be the name of that river in Egypt but for the last two years I have been drowning in it just the same. In January 2009 I had an EMG & and a MRI done on my hip. My bones were healing pretty well from the surgery the I had the summer before but I was having muscle weakness & my range of motion was bad. I got an email from my surgeon February 20th. He said while I didn't show any nerve damage I did have muscle atrophy & some scarring in the muscle. He also wanted to talk to me about trying to get the rest of the bones to heal that hadn't from my first surgery by a different doctor that he wasn't able to get to and fix with the surgery he did.

When I got that email I just was so fed up with the whole thing. I was angry. I felt like everything I did to get ready for the surgery, my 70 pound weight loss & all the strength training I did, followed by the surgery and the long recovery was for nothing. Just the idea of having another surgery made me want to run (limp?) for the hills. And mentally that's just what I did. I ignored that email because I didn't want to deal with it.

 I spent the next two years playing ostrich. My head was firmly planted in the sand. I ignored the increasing muscle weakness and the limping and the pain. I ignored the fact that my pants kept getting tighter and tighter until I stopped wearing anything but sweat pants since weight was creeping back on because I was feeling to sorry for myself to work out. I really ignored the scale because the numbers don't lie and I wasn't ready for the truth. I ignored that email & kept telling myself I would deal with it later. Only later never came. Days turned into weeks that turned into months and now years.

A few weeks ago I had my big ol' Opra-esque A-Ha moment (you can read about it in the blog post previous to this one) and I decided I needed to get back on the stick & get some of this weight off. It followed on the heals of our big holiday rush season at work. I had been dreading the month of December. I knew I was not in good shape to handle the long hours on my feet & increased volume. I made it thru, but boy was I miserable. Both of my hips were hurting. My back went out for about 3 days - at the end thank goodness. I was having knee problems & pain shooting from heel to hip. I was feeling about 89 years old instead of 39.

So for the last two weeks I have been watching what I eat and I have been off pop again since I had been pretty much mainlining Diet Mt Dew to get myself through the holidays. The first week I actually went down 11 pounds - I must have had enough water bloat to float a boat! This past week I pretty much stayed the same weight wise but I feel better. I started working out again too. This morning I met a friend at the gym so she could teach me how to use some of the equipment I was not real familiar with. This friend has also has had hip problems so I knew that along with her gym savvy she also knew what problems I have been dealing with.

At one point we were siting on a mat & I was telling her about the muscle atrophy thing & how I never got back to my doctor. I was telling her how I could hardly lift my leg to do a leg lift in the pool the day before. Then I laid on my side & went to demonstrate there on the mat. Only lying there on the mat I realized I couldn't lift my leg at all - not even an inch! No matter how hard I tried the leg would not move.  I'm not sure who was more shocked by this, her or me. So like the awesome friend she is she told me that was very bad and I needed to email my doctor and she was going to hound me until I did.

So when I got home I did email him and explained to him what has been going on and hoped he wasn't so disgusted with me for my immature behavior that he wouldn't answer back. I have now realized I need to quit being so ignorant and take care of this. I have been on a 2 year path to self destruction. I was angry at the world because things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to with my surgery & I punished myself for it every step of the way.

After I sent the email off I went over to my parent's house for a few hours. When I got home I was pretty surprised to see I had already gotten a reply from my doctor. He said he would have his nurse call me and set up a time to get me into the office. So now I have to start over & hope to God that it is not too late and there is something that can be done. My time in this river has ended, I'm finally swimming toward the shore. Hopefully I'll make it there but I might need a few lifesavers thrown my way from time to time. I'll keep you posted...

I Saw a Sign...

Yesterday I was walking around Woodfield Mall with my mom & my kids. I hate Woodfield Mall. It's crowed and confusing, the stores seem like they change constantly so you practically need a GPS to figure out how to get where you want to be, and it brings back bad memories. Those awkward High School years when I hung out there and hoped I would meet Prince Charming and never did because I was too shy & uncomfortable with myself. My mom hates it too and neither of us had been there in years but it had all the stores we wanted to hit under one roof so off we went anyway.

As I was walking around feeling the echo of those memories of  long ago I suddenly realized I was finally walking through Woodfield holding hands with, IMO, the cutest boy there. My gorgeous 8 yr old son. So being my silly self I updated my Facebook status:

"Walking thru Woodfield Mall holding hands with a cute boy"

and then I stopped quick, handed my mom my phone and had her snap a picture which I also dispatched to Facebook with barely a glance to just make sure I wasn't squinting or something. I went blissfully about my day feeling pretty pleased with myself not realizing what was lurking, literally, behind my shoulder.

Later back at my mom's I logged on to Facebook and clicked on that picture. That is when I noticed it. Of all the hundreds of stored in that stinking hell hole, I mean mall, I just happened to stop in front of a big girls clothes store just in the perfect spot so the words PLUS SIZES appear right over my shoulder. Really??? C'mon! My mom laughed and said "You should have stopped in front of Victoria's Secret". Um...yeah..like anyone would believe I shop there - not!

So I know every one is probably tired of my whining about my weight and my big lofty goals that go nowhere. I'm tired of myself and the multiple failures and flops.  I am officially back to where I started. I have gained it ALL back. 70 plus pounds! I don't know why I can't get motivated. I don't know why I can't stick with it. I know why I should. I have discussed those reasons over and over here in this blog. I was actually thinking about it yesterday morning AGAIN! What was I waiting for anyway? A sign from God? Huh. Well whether it was God, Fate, or just my own unconscious brain I guess I got one! You don't get a more obvious sign than bright white NEON hovering over your shoulder!

So I am starting again! First I am getting off the pop again because I was pretty much living on Diet Mt Dew during the Holiday Rush at work. I am rejoining Health Bridge so I can go work out and take my daughter to work out because we have to work on getting her strength back from her surgery last summer or she won't be able to play softball next summer and that would really suck. I am going to start bringing my lunch again and watching my portions. And I am going to start blogging again to keep myself accountable.

Wish me luck! I'm probably going to need it...

You don't write...

It's been a long time I know. Where have you been Kelly? I have been busy! Busy practicing avoidance... Seriously tho, while I have been very busy with kids, husband, work & home I have also been busy ignoring the fact that I am making no progress on my weight loss/health goals. Actually I have fallen off the wagon entirely, rolled down a hill, landed in a ditch & drowned in a puddle of mud.

I am back to where I started weight wise, eating wise & drinking wise. So I am eating crap, drinking pop & feeling miserable & fat. So much for all my determination & lofty words right? UGH! I do mean them when I write them. I wake up every day determined to live a healthier life. But sometimes I feel like I have 2 conscious minds that war for control - that I literally have the devil & angel siting on each shoulder & the devil usually wins. I feel absolutely compelled to have a McDonald's Frappe' on my way home, and lately cookies to go with it. In many ways I don't understand it but I think I have been beginning to have some insight into my inner crazy person.

My neighbor lent me a book awhile back called Women, Food & God written by Geneen Roth. It is not really a religious book, actually she barely talks about religion or God. More so it is about how when women lack a spiritual core they fill the emptiness with other things. Things like food. Here is a quote from her web page:

The way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive. No matter how sophisticated or wise or enlightened you believe you are, how you eat tells all. The world is on your plate. When you begin to understand what prompts you to use food as a way to numb or distract yourself, the process takes you deeper into realms of spirit and to the bright center of your own life.

The basic premise, or at least how I interpreted it, is that you have certain beliefs about yourself. Beliefs that are formed from the reflection of how other people have treated you or spoken to you. You see yourself through their eyes. So if like me you were a girl who was teased & treated cruelly by her peers and were told constantly you were fat, ugly & worthless no matter how far you've come in your life, if you haven't gotten in touch with your true self spiritually deep inside you see yourself as that definition of you.

This book touched home with me in a multitude of ways. I think people who are bullied in their lives tend to handle it in basically two different ways. If they have a strong sense of self the externalize the problem. As in a "what the hell is that asshole's problem that he has to screw with me?" attitude. My brother usually handled it that way. I'm sure he had his feelings hurt but for the most part he just thought the other guy was being a dick. For me & a lot of others, we internalize it. The "what's wrong with me? Why am I so awful everyone hates me?" attitude.

There was a time in my life that I really felt like I was born to be hated & because of that I hated myself. I'm not going to go into all of that now, I would be writing for weeks - and hopefully, eventually I will be wtiting it all out because I realize I have demons here I need to exercise. But for the sake of today's blog I will just say this much: in the past  I could, and sometimes still do, look in a mirror & loathe the person I see there. In the book the author pushes you to let go of those feelings. To realize that that child/teen/young adult you see there is not the true you. That you have to learn to love and/or forgive that inner child/teen/young adult for all the pain they have caused you. Until you do you can't feel whole spiritually. Instead you will continue to fill the hole with food & feed the feelings that she wreaks in you.

I have come to the realization that the reason I can't take care of my self is that I don't care for myself. I know that sounds harsh but it's true. It seems simple enough. Forgive the inner child. Learn to love your self as you are now. I can't. Ah-ha moments might be popping off like light bulbs all over my brain but I can't seem to force myself to actually do anything about it. I have been hating that child since I was 9 years old. It would be like suddenly turning to your life long enemy, embracing them & saying "I forgive you, lets be best friends". How many people could actually do that? Which, I guess is where the spiritual/God like part comes in.

So really I think my yo-yo weight cycle is a product of the battle raging in my own mind. The grown-up Kel that wants to be happy & healthy against the Kelly that has always been there, seething with doubt & self loathing. I need to find a way to put her out of my mind for good & let her go. I'm not sure how I can. I am hoping that by facing my deepest feelings while writing here it will help but it might not be enough. I am considering seeking counseling too, if I can be brave enough to face my fiercest foe and if I can convince myself I deserve it.

The time I Messed up Jan's Hair & Lost my Mind but Not Myself Even Tho I Tried

This story was originally part of the Fall Sucks post but I trimmed it out...

Right after I started Beauty School in Fall of 1989 I was at my friend Jan's one nite. I had just finished the hair cutting unit & she thought I should try trimming her hair. I wasn't too confident in the idea but she was (there may have been some wine coolers involved in this - shhh... don't tell my mother) in any case I did something totally wrong & instead of giving her an angle to frame her face I gave her a flap to frame her ear. Yep. Cut the whole side of her hair clean off. It was HORRIBLE!!! I freaked out - totally. Somehow thru the night I built the whole thing up in my brain to a disaster of epic proportion. I was embarrassed & ashamed & a failure & I had to run away. So I did. I snuck out of her apartment before she woke up, went home, packed a few of my clothes & took the family photo off the wall in the hall at my parent's house threw it in my little duffel bag, got in my car & decided to "get lost". I think I had visions of being like Julia Roberts in that movie where she runs away from her creepy husband & lands in a quaint town & starts this whole new wonderful life. Sigh. It didn't quite happen that way.

I got on the expressway & kept getting off at different ramps which led me in circles so after several hours I was still stuck in rainy cloudy friggin' Illinois. I finally exited the highway & wound up in Antioch. I was totally lost but not in a good way. As I was driving around trying to figure out my next move a squirrel darted in front of me, I swerved & then THUD! Yep, killed it, saw it's little corpse in my rear view & everything. So now not only was I failure but I was a murderer. After spending my entire day in emotional turmoil that was the last straw, I was now in hysterics. I couldn't take it any more. I stopped at a Holiday Inn, checked in using my mother's credit card & then fell asleep in an exhausted stupor.

I slept hours. Hours in which my mother, who is like queen of intuition when it comes to her kids, was frantically searching for me. It seems she walked in the house after I left & just knew something was wrong. She went upstairs to look for me & noticed the picture gone off the wall in the hall & then really knew something was wrong. So she called everyone I knew looking for me but no one had heard from me and since this was the pre-cell phone era I had pretty much disappeared. She was pretty much in full panic mode until I woke up in the Holiday Inn in Antioch & realized what a moron I was & called her to come rescue me. Which she did, drove out there & got me & was just so happy to have found me she didn't kill me where I stood. I have a really awesome mom.

My friend Jan got really pissed & didn't speak to me for a few months. Not so much because I botched her 'doo really, altho that didn't exactly thrill her, but because I had acted like such a goon. Eventually we talked & worked it out, I was forgiven & her hair, like hair tends to do, grew back (she had to wear one side of her hair up in a barette for about a year, the only saving grace in the whole situation was back 1989 that was actually fashionable). We are still friends today & as she predicted that nite when she was streaming mad & wanted to murder me, we can actually look back and laugh at what happend. As you can see I have great friends too.