The time I Messed up Jan's Hair & Lost my Mind but Not Myself Even Tho I Tried

This story was originally part of the Fall Sucks post but I trimmed it out...

Right after I started Beauty School in Fall of 1989 I was at my friend Jan's one nite. I had just finished the hair cutting unit & she thought I should try trimming her hair. I wasn't too confident in the idea but she was (there may have been some wine coolers involved in this - shhh... don't tell my mother) in any case I did something totally wrong & instead of giving her an angle to frame her face I gave her a flap to frame her ear. Yep. Cut the whole side of her hair clean off. It was HORRIBLE!!! I freaked out - totally. Somehow thru the night I built the whole thing up in my brain to a disaster of epic proportion. I was embarrassed & ashamed & a failure & I had to run away. So I did. I snuck out of her apartment before she woke up, went home, packed a few of my clothes & took the family photo off the wall in the hall at my parent's house threw it in my little duffel bag, got in my car & decided to "get lost". I think I had visions of being like Julia Roberts in that movie where she runs away from her creepy husband & lands in a quaint town & starts this whole new wonderful life. Sigh. It didn't quite happen that way.

I got on the expressway & kept getting off at different ramps which led me in circles so after several hours I was still stuck in rainy cloudy friggin' Illinois. I finally exited the highway & wound up in Antioch. I was totally lost but not in a good way. As I was driving around trying to figure out my next move a squirrel darted in front of me, I swerved & then THUD! Yep, killed it, saw it's little corpse in my rear view & everything. So now not only was I failure but I was a murderer. After spending my entire day in emotional turmoil that was the last straw, I was now in hysterics. I couldn't take it any more. I stopped at a Holiday Inn, checked in using my mother's credit card & then fell asleep in an exhausted stupor.

I slept hours. Hours in which my mother, who is like queen of intuition when it comes to her kids, was frantically searching for me. It seems she walked in the house after I left & just knew something was wrong. She went upstairs to look for me & noticed the picture gone off the wall in the hall & then really knew something was wrong. So she called everyone I knew looking for me but no one had heard from me and since this was the pre-cell phone era I had pretty much disappeared. She was pretty much in full panic mode until I woke up in the Holiday Inn in Antioch & realized what a moron I was & called her to come rescue me. Which she did, drove out there & got me & was just so happy to have found me she didn't kill me where I stood. I have a really awesome mom.

My friend Jan got really pissed & didn't speak to me for a few months. Not so much because I botched her 'doo really, altho that didn't exactly thrill her, but because I had acted like such a goon. Eventually we talked & worked it out, I was forgiven & her hair, like hair tends to do, grew back (she had to wear one side of her hair up in a barette for about a year, the only saving grace in the whole situation was back 1989 that was actually fashionable). We are still friends today & as she predicted that nite when she was streaming mad & wanted to murder me, we can actually look back and laugh at what happend. As you can see I have great friends too.

Fall. Why it Sucks Pumpkin

It is the first day of Fall tomorrow. I know many people who say that Fall is their favorite season. They drone on about the glory & beauty of Fall & how wonderful it is. To those people I would like to say this: You are friggin' crazy! I don't understand it. I think Fall sucks. And in celebration of season (snort) I will tell you why.

I know when Fall is about to fall upon me when my allergies start to flare up. All of a sudden my sinus start to itch like a Brady doused me with itching powder. Then the roof of my mouth starts to itch, this drives me insane! I complain about it constantly, to which my darling husband answers "I have a way to help you with that". Um, yeah, I am sure you do honey (isn't he just the sweetest thing? Bless his heart). My eyes itch & get red & runny. And lastly my head itches, no amount of conditioner helps. My hair gets limp, my scalp itch rages on. All of this lasts until it frosts. So even tho I take a daily allergy pill I walk around itchy & scratchy. I am constantly scratching my nose (it wasn't a pick! it was a scratch!) rubbing my eyes & scratching my scalp & swiping the roof of my mouth w/ my tongue which leads me to making scrunchy gag faces. Miserable.

I am not the only creature in the house who this happens to. My dog starts chewing her feet from allergies every year in the Fall. I give her Benadryl to help but usually by the time the frost comes her paws are bald. Which leaves me as the itchy, scratchy, twitchy lady walking the dog with the bald chicken feet. I feel compelled to explain to passersby - No I am not insane, we just have allergies, really, put the pretty white coat away now...

The other thing about Fall that I truly hate is the grey skies. It rains a lot in the Fall & when it does the whole world turns damp, grey & clammy. It is depressing, even the name Fall implies that he season is droopy. Take the song November Rain by Gn'R - see even Axel Rose knows what I am talking about - the song is about having your heart broken & trampled on & how it feels like November Rain. Fall rain leaves me bummed out & irritable & if it lasts a really long time a little bit crazy. Anything truly mental I have ever done in my life has been in the Fall. You know things everybody does when they are depressed like try to run away from home or join the Navy (I trimmed the running way from home story out & will make it it's own post - I just realized how crazy big this one was - yikes! Logorrhoea strikes again!)

So Fall makes me a little barmy, altho with all that itching, scratching & moodiness going on who can blame me? I know people love Fall because of the beautiful Fall leaves. Which I can agree with, they are beautiful. At least for about 2 weeks & then they fall all over your grass leaving you with a big mess. Oh, you say, but you can pile them up & jump in them! Woo hoo! Yeah, woo freakin' hoo - and then you have a rash all over your body because apparently you are allergic to touching leaves too. But the worst thing about leaves are all the evil beings that burn them. There is no worse smell, well except maybe skunk but it's close, than the smell of burning leaves. I smell that burning leaves smell & it is like a cleaver slices thru my skull - instant headache. GAH!

The other thing people say they love about Fall is pumpkin. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, pumpkin seeds. Pumpkin grosses me out completely. I don't like the way it tastes & the texture of pumpkin pie reminds me of liver. Every few years I try a pumpkin pie because someone convinces me it is just so wonderful that even if I have never liked pumpkin pie before I would like that one. Nope, never do. GAG. have you ever seen that picture of the Jack-o-lantern that looks like it is 'vomiting" pumpkin slime? (If you haven't before, you have now I included it with this blog) That's my sentiment exactly.

The "fall back" time change thing used to be pretty cool. A whole extra hour in the Halloween weekend to Partay! Except now they moved the date & it isn't on that weekend any more. Not that I party hearty these days anwyas but at least thre is that extra hour to sleep right? Except my kids never seem to get that memo & they still wake up early. And then there is my puppy, we are still working on potty training there, so definitely haven't started teaching her to tell time yet. ;)

Now even I can admit that Halloween is pretty fun & probably the only perk in an otherwise sucky season. But then it's over & you have gained 5 pounds from scarfing all that candy. You got to clean up all the decorative crap you put up which is depressing & usually messy (more pumpkin problems they get very slimy when you forget them on your porch for a few months ewww). All you you have left to show for the whole she-bang are stupid costumes that you paid way too much for & you know your kids will never wear again, because God forbid they could wear the same one 2 years running - GASP!

So Fall sucks. If for no other reason that it leads to Winter which really sucks. I hate being cold so winter is so not for me (altho at least the snow is white & reflects all the sunshiny brightness). Spring is like fall only in reverse. So now I am just left wondering one thing - is it Summer yet?

Disclaimer: This is a VENT against Fall. According to my friend Marci, who is very smart, when you post that something is a VENT it means that while people are allowed to commiserte with you they are not allowed to argue their own point. After all it would be selfish of them to trample all over your anger & self-righteousness wouldn't it? (that part was mine) So if you agree that Fall blows pumpkin chunks- feel free to VENT along with me. If not, well keep you trap shut 'cause I really could care less & you are wrong anyway ;)

Sizing up the Situtation

One of my friend's is involved in a charitable endeavor that provides clothes for needy children. Sometimes she has special situations. Today she put a shout out on Facebook for a mom who was in desperate need for some clothes. Size 14 pants was one of the items needed. I read the post & thought to myself well I have some size 14 pants. I hesitated for a moment in responding tho, not because I wouldn't want to help, but because those are my skinny pants. After a second thought I cursed myself for being selfish & stupid - why hang on to these clothes that are hanging there mocking me every day with their very presence in my closet when I could do some thing positive with them? So I responded that I had some stuff I could donate & I went up to my room & culled the 14s out of my closet.

Now I am sure if you are reading this you are thinking if 14s are her skinny jeans I would hate to see her fat ones! It always amazed me after I lost all that weight 3 years ago when I would read weight loss success stories in magazines like People or Good Housekeeping & the gals would go from about the same weight I started, with a similar weight loss & be in a size 6. I would be like WTF? But under the chub I am just a big girl. I know, I know, the "I have big bones" excuse - totally the biggest fat girl cop out on the planet right? But in my case it's the truth. Even when I am much thinner my measurements are big and I have such big hands I have to wear mens gloves (not saying I have man hands here, they are just big. Big but lady like except maybe when I am giving someone the finger which isn't manly just maybe a bit rude) Anywho I always wonder how ladies who appear way flabbier than me seem to wear a much smaller size. But then I thought about it & came to this conclusion: If you took 8 yards of twine & wrapped it around a toothpick & then took 8 yards of twine around a telephone pole which one would measure bigger around? - right? See I am brilliant LOL

Seriously tho, when I was 15 I got super skinny. Like so totally skinny that people started to tell me I was too skinny & I was scaring them. I was 136 pounds (yes I remember to the exact poundage, it was my all time super skinniest after all) & Iwore a size 11. So for me size 14 is like the Holy Grail of pants sizes - and 3 years ago I held it in the palm of my hand, held on for about a year, & then let it fall from my grip like a fool.

As it turned out my friend didn't need the clothes from me after all - another friend had a large bag already put together & it was a temporary situation. So I was left looking at that pile of clothes on my bed & I felt so aggravated & disgusted with myself. Here I have a whole pile of clothes on my bed & another whole pile still hanging in my closet that I can't wear. Why? Because I gave up. Because I let food mean more to me than health. Because I let vegging out in front of the computer or the tv become more important to me than getting exercise. I must be crazy!!!

Really, I am not exaggerating. I have virtually nothing to wear! Things are really tight for us financially right now so I can't afford to go out & buy a new "fat" wardrobe. I have exactly 1 pair of jeans that fit right now (thank God for stretch denim!) Most of the tops I have worn all summer have been freebie t-shirts with rock bands & sports teams logos on them that my mom gets when she places her supply orders w/ U-Line. I am sure my friends have been wondering what is up w/ the Redneck wardrobe I have been spotin' but thankfully have been too polite to ask!

So for almost 2 years I have been living with a closet full of clothes I cannot wear for the simple reason that I let myself get too fat to fit in them & haven't been motivated enough to lose the weight I need to be healthy & have clothes that fit. Add to that the fact that I can't replace them & I really started to realize what a total stupid moron I am! I know, calling myself names probably isn't very nice - but really I laugh at people all day long for not having the common sense God gave a grapefruit not realizing what a total bone head I am myself. Seriously, here I am with a whole wardrobe of fairly decent clothes & the only thing I have to do to be able to put it on my body instead of letting it gather dust in my closet is eat right and exercise. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I need to get my big ol' but in gear!

This weekend we had had a lot of social stuff going on, football homecoming for my son, a b-day party for a friend's sweet little boy (Happy Birthday J!) & an Oktoberfest party. So I ate donuts & pizza & drank beer. UGH! I regret it now. So I am NOT getting on the scale tomorrow that, I guarantee. But I am going to get on the elliptical in my basement. I am going to drink water. I am going to eat healthy. I need to make myself do this! My new goal is to get back into the clothes I own by next summer. Maybe I will do so totally awesome I can start looking for my jack-a-lope, otherwise known as the size 12! Well a girl can dream anyway ;)

BTW if you have children's clothes that you don't want think about donating them to The Childrens closet.

Finding Normal

The other day my 10 year old daughter asked me if kids made fun of me for being fat & hurt my feeling when I was in school. Before I replied, the first thing I did was ask her if anyone was making fun of her at school. I asked her this because my poor girl also has a weight problem, one we have been trying to figure out practically since the day she was born. Every year at school conferences I ask her teachers this very thing - if anyone has been giving her a hard time because of her weight. Always they tell me no. That she is so well liked that the kids never pick on her. Which makes me sigh with relief down deep in my soul. Because the truth is I was made fun of for being fat when I was in school, actually I was made fun of a lot.

My daughter swore that no one has made fun of her so far this year, but admitted that there was a boy in her class last year that would say mean things to her sometimes & never seemed to like her. Since she was honest with me I decided to be honest with her. Yes, I told her, kids did make fun of me when I was in school for being fat. And they hurt my feelings. They hurt my feelings so badly that even now, as a grown up, sometimes I think about the things they said to me & it still hurts & makes me feel very sad inside.

Then I decided to really be honest with her. I told her that I hate being fat. That I hate that people made fun of me. That when I am fat not only do I feel bad on the inside, emotionally but I feel bad on the outside physically. I am more tired & I am uncomfortable in my own body. That I don't like the way my clothes look on my body & I feel uncomfortable when they don't fit right. I told her how mad I am at myself for wasting all the hard work I did losing weight & getting healthy for my surgery by getting fat again.

I also told her that I loved her no matter what she looked like. That I don't care if she is big or small, short or tall, but I do care if she is not healthy. I tried to explain to her that the reason her dad & I are so careful to try to encourage her to make healthy food & exercise choices is because we don't want her to have to worry about the health issues we have had to deal with or the hurt feelings either.

I tried to explain to her that healthy food & exercise choices are important to everyone. That sometimes people have fast metabolisms & they might burn off calories no matter what they eat but while they might look thin on the outside if they eat a lot of junk they might fat on the inside. I also tried to explain to her that people come in many shapes & sizes but that people who have a tendency to be over weight, people who's bodies don't burn the calories as fast other people's do, people like me, daddy & her, have to be extra careful to make healthy food & exercise choices because if we don't our weight become a real problem.

I believe that statement with my whole whole heart. I absolutely know it to be true. I HATE it with every fiber of my being. Seriously. If you have read my other blog posts you know I have been trying to lose weight. For 2 weeks running I stayed the same. Then I forgot to weigh last weekend & I weighed Monday instead. Big mistake. I was up. It is sooo discouraging. But I knew I would be. Because my motivation has really been lagging lately. I get so fed up with being "good" and always making the healthy choices. I get depressed & I get angry & I think it's NOT FAIR! Why can't I just eat like a normal person!!!

It occurred to me the other day as I was thinking all these thoughts that I really have no freakin' clue what-so-ever how "normal" people eat. By normal I mean average sized people who have never really had weight problems. I definitely don't mean those Hollywood size 00 bobble head looking types that exist on Starbucks & cigarettes. Just regular sized people who eat to live, not live to eat. I know how fat people eat. Any fat person who tells you they don't eat very much & can't figure out why they are fat are lying, either to you or more importantly to themselves. They are eating all right, maybe not at meals, but they are eating somewhere &/or sometime else. I know how to eat on a "diet", God knows I have had enough experience with that. But how do regular people eat?

Do regular people always make healthy food choices? Or do regular people eat whatever the hell they want & their genetically gifted bodies just burn it all off? I really have no clue. If you are reading this, and you are an average sized person please, please explain it to me. Do you think about what you are going to eat before you eat it? Do you keep track of calories & fat grams? Do you exercise all the time? Or do you not worry about exercise because you really don't need to. Really I want to know, one way or the other. Because I have long forgotten how to be "normal" when it comes to food.

I really do know deep down that if I ever want to be a healthy weight that I am going to have to make healthy food & exercise choices for the rest of my life. Somehow I have to stop resenting this. I have to stop wishing that I could eat whatever I want, eat as big of portion sizes as I want & couch potato as much as I want without seeing any consequences. I have to do this for myself & I have to do this for my daughter. I have to show her by doing & hope that one day it just becomes "normal" for me & for her. Because being fat hurts more than your body. It hurts your feelings & your self esteem. It hurts your life.

Come on! Aileen (to the tune of Come on Eileen)

We have a school board member in Huntley who posts regularly on Huntley Neighbors our area message board. She is a crazy narcissistic old bat & she gets on my last nerve. Channeling the Weird Al spirit, I have created a tribute to her:

(Come On! Aileen)
(Come On! Aileen)

Poor old paranoid Cal
his biased blog puts my mind in a fog
he is your cohort but I think he is a wart
on our community
you think he writes news
that we should peruse
You're wrong, so wrong
Now I must say more than ever
(Come On! Aileen)
Too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye, aye
we can sing out our frustration

Come on! Aileen
Oh, I swear can’t understand what she means (what she means)
At this moment you mean nothing
But I digress
My thoughts I confess
Verge on insanity
Oh, come on Aileen

(Come On! Aileen)

These people round town
think your pal Linda Moore is a clown
In the township meeting farces
she avoids the bills & makes ugly faces
But not Pam (no not ever)
But not Pam (not ever)
She shows her up, makes the township work
(Remember)
Too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye, aye
And you'll hum this tune forever

Come on! Aileen
Oh, I swear can’t understand what she means
Aah, come on let's
Ignore everything
That crazy paranoid rant
Aileen (tell you I can’t)
Aah, come on let's
Aah, come on! Aileen

That crazy paranoid rant
Aileen (tell you I can’t)
Aah, come on let's
Aah, come on Aileen




Come on! Aileen, too-rye-aye
Come on! Aileen, too-rye-aye
Now you're full blown
Now you have shown
Oh, Aileen

Say, come on! Aileen
These conspiracies aren’t real and I know
You’re a heel
You think we can’t think for ourselves
Maybe paranoia has made you crazy
I say, too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye-aye

Come on! Aileen
Come on! Aileen
Oh, I swear can’t understand what she means
Aah, come on let's
Ignore everything
That crazy paranoid rant
Aah, come on! Aileen

Come on! Aileen
Come on! Aileen
Oh, I swear can’t understand what she means
Aah, come on let's
Ignore everything
That crazy paranoid rant

Come on! Aileen

Come on! Aileen...

When you get what you paid for

You get what you pay for. At face value you would take that axiom to mean that if you want quality you have to pay a higher price & if you cheap out you get cheap goods. Most of the time I think that is the truth. Altho I tend to be a bargain shopper - love those 70 - 80% off sales woohoo! I do spend money on certain things. One of those things is shoes. Not meaning that I am one of those shoe girls that go out & buy a lot of fancy expensive shoes )not that there is anything wrong with that) I have hard to fit feet. I am a 10WW w/ a high arch. I can search endlessly for shoes that fit sometimes and most of the time when they do fit they aren't very fashionable. Plus w/ my hip problems I need to find shoes that are very supportive & well cushioned or I have joint pain. So I tend to spend more money on good shoes that fit well.

I have a pair of Doc Martens that I have had longer than I've had my husband. Best $100 I ever spent, they are nearly as dear to me as he is ;). I usually buy New Balance sneakers for work at about $80 - $100 a pop. I wear the heck out of them, 8-10 hours or more everyday & on my feet for most of them. They fit well & they hold up great but I usually wear them out in about a year.

Last week it was time for my annual shoe replacement & I decided to try something new. I have been wanting to try the Sketchers Shape-ups. Not b/c I think by wearing them I will walk my way into having a rockin' Linda Hamilton T2 bod or anything, altho wouldn't that be the bomb? But because everyone I have talked to that has them kept telling me how comfortable they are for working/standing all day.

So after many months of craving these shoes I finally ordered a pair. I had to get the "Work Slip Resistant" model b/c they were the only ones that were available in black & wide width, not as cute as some of the others but I figured the trade off would be that they would be more rugged for work. Um yeah, not so much. I got them a week ago today. They are comfortable & they do fit well but this morning, after one week of wear I went to tie me shoes and...RIP! Instead of holes for the laces to go thru these shoes have fabric flap/loop things (see pic above). I tightened my laces & the top one ripped right off! My first thought - Fuck me! I was so pissed.

Today's lesson is you do get what you paid for. In this case I paid over $100 bucks for trendiness & slick advertising which apparently does more for Sketchers than actually having quality product. Fortunately I also had followed another popular trend and ordered them from Zappos.com. I called them this morning and they are sending me new shoes tomorrow. The are black 10ww rocker bottoms from New Balance, not as trendy or cute as the Sketchers but hopefully with the quality I have always gotten from NB. I get free shipping coming & going & they are going to refund the $20 difference in price. They were also super nice & very customer service orientated. Yay!

So my advice is pay a little more when you really want something & you know it is worth the money spent. But make sure what you are paying for is worth the money spent, otherwise you will only be paying for your own foolishness.