I lost 3 pounds this week. Yay me! And while I am glad & happy with the progress I am also trying really hard not to focus too much on the scale - which is why I am weighing once a week now instead of daily like I did previously. One of my very good friends is also trying very hard to lose weight & her Saturday weigh in didn't reflect the loss she had hoped to see. She was pretty bummed out. I told her that success isn't always shown on the scale - that instead of focusing on weight lost try to focus on health gained - that every time you walk or make a healthy food choice it's a step in the right direction no matter what the scale says. She thanked me for the encouragement but I feel like I should thank her because I am trying very hard to adopt that philosophy for myself & helping her reminds me to stay positive & focused too.
I did pretty well w/ my goals last week. No pop. I didn't walk as much as I would have liked - between getting stuck @ work, Jaycees meeting & home responsibilities I just couldn't get out the door. I feel like my food choices were healthy ones for most of the week - but the weekend not so much which is why I have picked Saturday for weigh in. I can see the week's hard work pay off instead of the weekend indulgence setbacks which would be so frustrating & discouraging. Do you like how I play mind games with myself? Which brings me to my topic this week. People with life long weight problems have a weird mental/emotional mind game relationship with food. Food to us isn't just fuel for the body like it's supposed to be, it's almost like a living entity, an invisible friend. Or that little devil &/or angel sitting on your shoulder whispering in your ear.
People with food issues tend to categorize our food choices as being either bad or good - which I guess thin people probably do too. The difference tho is that it isn't just the food choice we believe is good or bad, deep down we believe it makes us good or bad - especially with the bad. The ironic thing is that when we make one of those "bad" choices & feel like we have done a "bad" thing we then feel we are a "bad" person because of it. Because we are soooo "bad" we feel the need to punish ourselves by...wait for it...eating more "bad" things! Totally not logical I know, but since when are emotions logical? I mean you already wrecked it so you might as well wreck it really bad right? You get the little comfort food "buzz" going while your being really "bad" so you feel kind of like you are getting away with something. Only your not because eventually the buzz kills & your just left feeling torn up & guilty & bloated & hating your self. Which leads you into another binge and completely off of any diet plan you may have been trying to be "good" on.
Conversely & perhaps perversely we feel so good when we make "good" choices or have a good weigh in that we want to reward ourselves. And normally the first thing that comes to mind is with the thing that gives the most pleasure - food. You worked sooo hard you deserve a trip to Dairy Queen. Which leads you down the slippery slope of self-sabotage. One little blizzard didn't really hurt so the next day you have another. Soon it backfires in your face, you now feel guilty & ashamed and find yourself being "bad" all over again.
I know for most people this sounds ridiculous & probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I think the closest comparison I can make is probably to some one who is a cutter. They hurt so bad inside & are filled with such self loathing & disgust that they feel compelled to hurt themselves & causing themselves pain, "punishing" themselves by marking their skin is such a relief that it gives them pleasure. For a person with food issues food is our razor blade. Instead of tearing our flesh we mutilate it from the inside out. It's masochistic & probably just a little bit mental. I realize that. If you are reading this maybe you now think I am more than a little bit crazy but maybe instead next time you see a person who is obese you won't think "Ugh! No will power! How do people let themselves get that way?" Instead maybe you will realize that alot of the time it goes down a lot deeper. That they don't let themselves get that way - sometimes they are compelled by feelings & emotions that they haven't learned the proper way to deal with. In my life long struggle between being "good" & "bad" I have learned in most case the outer body is a manifestation of what is going on in the inner & the reason that most diets fail is that you are so busy fixing the outside you don't take time to address the inside. I'm trying my damnedest to do that this go round.
The main thing I have to learn, along with the millions of other people who struggle with this every single day of their lives, is that the choices I make whether good or bad don't necessarily reflect on the kind of person you are. If a person chooses to cheat on their spouse it might mean they are a bad person. If a person chooses to cheat on their diet, not so much. Eating a brownie doesn't make a person bad. Brownies aren't "bad", they may taste sinful but there are is no evil lurking in their ingredients. They are high in calories & most likely not the best choice when watching one's weight but eating one just means I need to make a more nutritious choice for my next meal or that maybe I should go take a walk or add a few minutes to the next work out. It's all about balance. Not the balance between "good" & "bad" but the balance between calories in & calories out. It's very logical, so I guess I need to channel my inner Spock & let go of the emotions I have let food provoke in my psyche.
This week my biggest goal is to move past the choices I made this weekend that weren't so healthy by focusing on continuing with the progress I have made with the previous week's goals. I am also going to think about my choices with my rational brain instead of my emotional heart.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Hello, my name is Kelly & I am a popaholic.....
Let me start by saying I am in no way making light of AA or alcoholism w/ the title of this post. I just feel that it is appropriate for how much I feel addicted to diet soda. I know that sounds pretty extreme but let me take you back a bit. I don't think we drank much pop in my house growing up. If we did it was usually caffeine free & always diet. I probably started drinking it more in my High School years when I could make my own beverage choices at school or when out with friends. Always drank diet tho - a chubby chicks best friend LOL
In my college days I drank Diet Pepsi. I probably went thru about a case a week along w/ whatever I would drink while out & about. Sometime in the mid-90s I switched to Diet Coke. The Dt Pepsi wasn't doing it for me anymore. Maybe I wanted that "Ahhhh!" feeling like in the Coke commercial or something. I was probably going thru @ least 2 cases a week at that point. I quit in late 1999 when I was pregnant w/ F. Went 9 months without a soda but not long after I realized BF was a bust I started drinking it again in mass quantities. I was sleep deprived after all - I need it. I quit again when I became pregnant w/ A. This time tho one day about 5 months in I was having a really stressful afternoon at work & I caved. Bought myself a Diet Coke sat at my desk, took that first icy cold swig & "Ahhhh!" felt all my troubles bubbling away. So for the rest of my pregnancy I allowed my self one daily Dt Coke - usually at 3 pm break. I resumed full consumption after he was born.
About a year or so later I went to the dentist & was shocked to find out I had like 8 cavities or so. The dentist said that the acid from the pop was weakening the enamel & I needed to stop drinking it. I did give it up for awhile but then I caved. Only the Dt Coke wasn't really enough to satisfy me anymore. I switched to Diet Dr Pepper. I was probably drinking at least a 6 pack worth a day if not more.
When I decided to lose weight for my hip surgery a few years back one of my first goals, like now was to quit the pop. By then a lot of research had been coming out that diet pop is detrimental to losing weight. I was pop free for several months but then I got to my goal & it was harder to resist. I started "rewarding" my self after a work out by walking down to the end of the strip center to to a convenience store & buying a Dt Dr Pepper. I mean I had read that caffeine actually boasts you metabolism so really I was helping my self right? And I read on Myspace that Trainer Bob from Biggest Loser was a Diet Dr Pepper fan himself so really didn't that just make it perfect?
But as with the other times eventually one pop became two & two became four & so on. After a year of maintaining pretty well my weight started coming back. I quit the pop a few times over the last year when I have tried to stop the upward spiral of my weight only to fall off the wagon big time. About a year ago I had to make the switch to diet Mt Dew. My Dr Pepper just was giving me the satisfaction I craved anymore. I was still refusing to buy pop for the house - it was my way of keeping my consumption in check. In reality it started making me buy bigger & bigger bottles. Instead of a couple cans I was stopping at BP every morning & grabbing 2 one liter bottles. One for on the way & one for the afternoon crash. Of course that didn't count the pop I would get with lunch or the one I would stop for on my way home. On the weekends I would ask T to stop on his way home & get me one - or if he was home send him out in the morning - couldn't start the day w/ a headache now could I? I also couldn't walk out of a store w/ out grabbing one for the road.
About a month ago I finally realized how much money I was flushing away buying pop at every convenience store & gas station I encountered. So I started buying pop for home again which means I was drinking it non-stop from the moment I woke up to about the time I went to bed. UGH! Not good!
Over the last few years all this research has come out about how bad pop - esp diet pop is for you. It makes your body crave sugar so it actually leads to weight gain. It causes bone density loss. It causes, gulp, belly fat to form. So all of that along with a million other things including my teeth problems you would think staying away from the stuff would be super no brainer right? Sometimes I think all that "bad" stuff actually makes me crave it more (which along w/ some other deviant behavior is something for another post).
The big question I am sure you are asking - the one I ask myself all the time is WHY??? What is the big whoop. Why do I fall to the siren song of carbonated bubbles over & over again. For one thing it is just that. The bubbles - a tingly effervescent "lift" as soon as you open the can or bottle - I absolutely hate flat pop. Which leads me to the taste - obviously the flavor is a big draw. And I am sure caffiene is a huge factor. I mean I don't ever drink caffeine free pop. It just doesn't have the "bite" in the taste for me. I know - probably all in my head but I swear I can tell.
So last week my first goal was to get off the pop - again. I decided to wean off - I think it is easier - no pounding headaches & crazy cravings. I mean to go from what - 3 liters a day to nothing? I would probably have sent my system into shock. So Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday it was 2 cans only. Thursday & Friday it was one can. Now the last of my last 12 pk is gone. So I am on day 3 of no pop. I'm not feeling too crazy yet. I am thirsty all the time tho so I have to start upping my water now. I have noticed I am sleeping better - altho I would have sworn the pop wasn't effecting my sleep habits at all I have realized that while it didn't keep me from falling asleep it made my sleep much more restless. I feel less bloated/poufy too. I got on the scale Saturday & was down 5 pounds. Most of that was pop bloat I am sure but I will take it - it's a step in the right direction anyway.
So this week I concentrate on healthy eating. I did start working on that last week. I was bringing my lunch to work & I went to McDonald's Sat for lunch w/ f & my MIL & I didn't order a fry or a McFlurry which have been McD's mainstays for me all summer. But I wasn't completely dedicated to it yet - yesterday we had a family function at a really nice restaurant & I ate a whole lot of rich foods - my last hurrah! before buckling down I guess (& I am avoiding the scale until next week - don't want to see a rebound from that crazy meal or I will be kicking myself) I am also going to keep up my walking w/ my friend Paige. It's really keeping me motivated to get out there & exercise to have a buddy to go with - thanks Paige!!!! I'd also like to find some more time to blog here - I have a lot of junk streaming thru my brain that I need to get out & examine & deal with if this is going to be successful. T read my first blog post & has committed to being on board with me. I hope w/ all my heart that he can. In the meantime it's one day at a time - so open up a bottle of water w/ me & toast to my first small success ;)
In my college days I drank Diet Pepsi. I probably went thru about a case a week along w/ whatever I would drink while out & about. Sometime in the mid-90s I switched to Diet Coke. The Dt Pepsi wasn't doing it for me anymore. Maybe I wanted that "Ahhhh!" feeling like in the Coke commercial or something. I was probably going thru @ least 2 cases a week at that point. I quit in late 1999 when I was pregnant w/ F. Went 9 months without a soda but not long after I realized BF was a bust I started drinking it again in mass quantities. I was sleep deprived after all - I need it. I quit again when I became pregnant w/ A. This time tho one day about 5 months in I was having a really stressful afternoon at work & I caved. Bought myself a Diet Coke sat at my desk, took that first icy cold swig & "Ahhhh!" felt all my troubles bubbling away. So for the rest of my pregnancy I allowed my self one daily Dt Coke - usually at 3 pm break. I resumed full consumption after he was born.
About a year or so later I went to the dentist & was shocked to find out I had like 8 cavities or so. The dentist said that the acid from the pop was weakening the enamel & I needed to stop drinking it. I did give it up for awhile but then I caved. Only the Dt Coke wasn't really enough to satisfy me anymore. I switched to Diet Dr Pepper. I was probably drinking at least a 6 pack worth a day if not more.
When I decided to lose weight for my hip surgery a few years back one of my first goals, like now was to quit the pop. By then a lot of research had been coming out that diet pop is detrimental to losing weight. I was pop free for several months but then I got to my goal & it was harder to resist. I started "rewarding" my self after a work out by walking down to the end of the strip center to to a convenience store & buying a Dt Dr Pepper. I mean I had read that caffeine actually boasts you metabolism so really I was helping my self right? And I read on Myspace that Trainer Bob from Biggest Loser was a Diet Dr Pepper fan himself so really didn't that just make it perfect?
But as with the other times eventually one pop became two & two became four & so on. After a year of maintaining pretty well my weight started coming back. I quit the pop a few times over the last year when I have tried to stop the upward spiral of my weight only to fall off the wagon big time. About a year ago I had to make the switch to diet Mt Dew. My Dr Pepper just was giving me the satisfaction I craved anymore. I was still refusing to buy pop for the house - it was my way of keeping my consumption in check. In reality it started making me buy bigger & bigger bottles. Instead of a couple cans I was stopping at BP every morning & grabbing 2 one liter bottles. One for on the way & one for the afternoon crash. Of course that didn't count the pop I would get with lunch or the one I would stop for on my way home. On the weekends I would ask T to stop on his way home & get me one - or if he was home send him out in the morning - couldn't start the day w/ a headache now could I? I also couldn't walk out of a store w/ out grabbing one for the road.
About a month ago I finally realized how much money I was flushing away buying pop at every convenience store & gas station I encountered. So I started buying pop for home again which means I was drinking it non-stop from the moment I woke up to about the time I went to bed. UGH! Not good!
Over the last few years all this research has come out about how bad pop - esp diet pop is for you. It makes your body crave sugar so it actually leads to weight gain. It causes bone density loss. It causes, gulp, belly fat to form. So all of that along with a million other things including my teeth problems you would think staying away from the stuff would be super no brainer right? Sometimes I think all that "bad" stuff actually makes me crave it more (which along w/ some other deviant behavior is something for another post).
The big question I am sure you are asking - the one I ask myself all the time is WHY??? What is the big whoop. Why do I fall to the siren song of carbonated bubbles over & over again. For one thing it is just that. The bubbles - a tingly effervescent "lift" as soon as you open the can or bottle - I absolutely hate flat pop. Which leads me to the taste - obviously the flavor is a big draw. And I am sure caffiene is a huge factor. I mean I don't ever drink caffeine free pop. It just doesn't have the "bite" in the taste for me. I know - probably all in my head but I swear I can tell.
So last week my first goal was to get off the pop - again. I decided to wean off - I think it is easier - no pounding headaches & crazy cravings. I mean to go from what - 3 liters a day to nothing? I would probably have sent my system into shock. So Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday it was 2 cans only. Thursday & Friday it was one can. Now the last of my last 12 pk is gone. So I am on day 3 of no pop. I'm not feeling too crazy yet. I am thirsty all the time tho so I have to start upping my water now. I have noticed I am sleeping better - altho I would have sworn the pop wasn't effecting my sleep habits at all I have realized that while it didn't keep me from falling asleep it made my sleep much more restless. I feel less bloated/poufy too. I got on the scale Saturday & was down 5 pounds. Most of that was pop bloat I am sure but I will take it - it's a step in the right direction anyway.
So this week I concentrate on healthy eating. I did start working on that last week. I was bringing my lunch to work & I went to McDonald's Sat for lunch w/ f & my MIL & I didn't order a fry or a McFlurry which have been McD's mainstays for me all summer. But I wasn't completely dedicated to it yet - yesterday we had a family function at a really nice restaurant & I ate a whole lot of rich foods - my last hurrah! before buckling down I guess (& I am avoiding the scale until next week - don't want to see a rebound from that crazy meal or I will be kicking myself) I am also going to keep up my walking w/ my friend Paige. It's really keeping me motivated to get out there & exercise to have a buddy to go with - thanks Paige!!!! I'd also like to find some more time to blog here - I have a lot of junk streaming thru my brain that I need to get out & examine & deal with if this is going to be successful. T read my first blog post & has committed to being on board with me. I hope w/ all my heart that he can. In the meantime it's one day at a time - so open up a bottle of water w/ me & toast to my first small success ;)
Monday, August 9, 2010
The Definition of InSaNiTy
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein
I have arrived at the conclusion that Einstein may have nailed this one right on the head. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 39. For pretty much all of those years - at least those I can consciously remember - I have struggled with being overweight. For most of them I have tried, many times successfully, to lose weight. The problem is it always seems to find me again.
The first time I remember trying to lose weight was around 4th grade. My mom was usually on some sort of diet & at that age as I became self-conscious of how I looked compared to other kids & was getting teased a lot at school I started joining her. Some time late elementary/early jr high I joined Weight Watchers the first time (notice I said first there). Then there was some "Reaching" w/ Richard Simmons an exercise "tape" - as in cassette tape LOL. None of these efforts led to huge weight losses that I recall - I was a kid tho I am sure it wasn't that important to me - YET!
Then the summer between 9th & 10th we (mom & I) joined a group called TOPS - Taking OFF Pounds Sensibly. It was a support group type thing but no official program. I took off lots of pounds - just not sensibly. Mostly I stopped eating for about a year & got very, very skinny. And I earned an award for it. I was a TOPS Jr champion or some such thing. Somewhere there is a picture of me in a white dress holding a really ugly silver platter. Which my mom still has - a tarnished reminder of my first major weight loss failure. Next was Jenny Craig while I was in Beauty School. 40 pounds lost. Followed by 50-60 back on. WW again around age 21. I lost some weight which crept back on during the college years - my freshman 15 was more like 35. Then I went to my annual OB appt & was horrified to realize I was now - for the first time ever - over the 200 pound mark! So I low carbed my way back down the scale at age 23. Met Todd & was so happy in love I gained 50 pounds back in a year. YIKES! Re-joined Jenny Craig to get weight off for the wedding.
After the wedding the weight gradually made it's way back on. I tired to talk Todd into doing WW with me but one meeting & he was like No Way! - I'm never going back there! Then I went thru infertility treatments & I got heavier than ever. Eventually I had babies - yeah! But my baby weight stayed with me - boo! I started having really severe pain issues w/ my hip & I got depressed & I got really, really fat. I think my highest weigh was about 280. I don't really know I stopped weighing myself. Somewhere during all of this was a purchase of Richard Simmons' (back to the beginning!) Food Mover program - I don't think it ever made it out of the package. I gave up & decided I was just going to be fat & happy. Except I was miserable.
In 2003 I had my first hip surgery. I got a post op infection & was in the hospital for about a month. I lost some weight by circumstance. Same thing happened a year or so later when I was hospitalized for pneumonia. In 2007 I found out I was going to need more surgery to fix the bones that never healed together after the first surgery. So I decided to get myself into fighting shape. Recovery the first time was sooo hard b/c of my weight. Plus I had done some research & found out that obesity (hate that ugly word) can prevent bones from healing. I was a woman on a mission! I lost about 80 pounds! Wow! It was really awesome.
I was certain I would never gain that weight back. I kept it off for a whole year. I really thought I was home free. Except I wasn't. I was so focused on the goal - weight off for surgery - that when I reached it I lost my focus completely. My recovery from surgery was much easier but I never fully recovered the use of the muscles in my left leg. I was struggling with daily tasks & having pain. After some tests I found out I had muscle atrophy. In addition they weren't able to fix the bone that was giving me the most pain - I would need another surgery. Instead of calling my dr & setting up an appointment to figure out how to get those muscles working again I played ostrich. Stuck my head so far up my...well...you know what and just ignored it all. I felt like it was all for nothing!!! I stopped trying to work out b/c it hurt. I stopped watching what I ate b/c what difference did it make. What good was being so healthy if I was in pain all the time & I couldn't enjoy it.
Now I have learned a very painful lesson. I have been saying for months that I will not be a Kirstie Alley - well my Kirstie moment has arrived. I have now, over the course of the last year, gained almost all of it back. I am unhappy & unhealthy. Everything hurts MORE b/c I am so heavy. My muscle problems are worse instead of better. Ignoring problems doesn't make them go away - it lets them grow like mold in the hidden corner of a damp basement until one day it becomes the problem you can't ignore. You have a house that is no longer fit to live in - or a body that feels almost the same way.
So it is the day after my birthday & I am determined that I won't be fat by my next one. I am going to do it all again. But this time I have to stop the insanity! (look out Susan Powter LOL) I have to figure out why (besides the obvious eat too much exercise too little) I am fat. I have to dig down deep & fix it so that I don't repeat the loss/gain cycle AGAIN!!!!
My long term goal is fit by forty My ultimate goal is fit for life. I am not really too worried about reaching a certain number on the scale - fitting back into the clothes currently hanging in my closet will be a pretty good indication I am heading in the right direction.
My short term goal for this week is to wean myself off the Dt Mt Dew - I am such a diet soda addict. For the weeks ahead it is to keep up the walking I have been doing w/ my friend Paige - when we started walking a couple of weeks ago it made me realize not only how far I've fallen fitness wise but how good it feels to get the body moving. To make healthy food choices and to blog.
Why blog about this? Because it makes me accountable to myself to put it out there in the world. Obviously it's no secret I am not thin - so what is the point in hiding what I'm doing? One of the things I found very helpful last time to keep focused was to write about it on my Myspace page. I stopped using Myspace & I stopped writing about things. It seems like it really makes me think about what is going on in my life & notice how it is effecting me/ how I am reacting to it when I write it down. The other thing is maybe it can help other people that are going through the same thing. I know there are a lot of people in the same boat out there.
So in addition to the quirky observations about life I like to write about a lot of my blog posts from now on are going to be about this weight loss journey. I also plan on digging deep inside myself to the dark places to deal with my feelings about weight, food, exercise & body image. If I post something very personal I probably won't announce it on Facebook, but it will be here if you want to follow along with me.
My focus has to be on getting healthy & staying that way. I have to do this for myself number one. But also I have to do this for my daughter who has a weight problem. I have to set a good example of healthy behavior & positive lifestyle choices for her before she tumbles into the same pattern that I have been repeating my whole life. Because for that to happen, in my mind, would truly be insane.
Albert Einstein
I have arrived at the conclusion that Einstein may have nailed this one right on the head. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 39. For pretty much all of those years - at least those I can consciously remember - I have struggled with being overweight. For most of them I have tried, many times successfully, to lose weight. The problem is it always seems to find me again.
The first time I remember trying to lose weight was around 4th grade. My mom was usually on some sort of diet & at that age as I became self-conscious of how I looked compared to other kids & was getting teased a lot at school I started joining her. Some time late elementary/early jr high I joined Weight Watchers the first time (notice I said first there). Then there was some "Reaching" w/ Richard Simmons an exercise "tape" - as in cassette tape LOL. None of these efforts led to huge weight losses that I recall - I was a kid tho I am sure it wasn't that important to me - YET!
Then the summer between 9th & 10th we (mom & I) joined a group called TOPS - Taking OFF Pounds Sensibly. It was a support group type thing but no official program. I took off lots of pounds - just not sensibly. Mostly I stopped eating for about a year & got very, very skinny. And I earned an award for it. I was a TOPS Jr champion or some such thing. Somewhere there is a picture of me in a white dress holding a really ugly silver platter. Which my mom still has - a tarnished reminder of my first major weight loss failure. Next was Jenny Craig while I was in Beauty School. 40 pounds lost. Followed by 50-60 back on. WW again around age 21. I lost some weight which crept back on during the college years - my freshman 15 was more like 35. Then I went to my annual OB appt & was horrified to realize I was now - for the first time ever - over the 200 pound mark! So I low carbed my way back down the scale at age 23. Met Todd & was so happy in love I gained 50 pounds back in a year. YIKES! Re-joined Jenny Craig to get weight off for the wedding.
After the wedding the weight gradually made it's way back on. I tired to talk Todd into doing WW with me but one meeting & he was like No Way! - I'm never going back there! Then I went thru infertility treatments & I got heavier than ever. Eventually I had babies - yeah! But my baby weight stayed with me - boo! I started having really severe pain issues w/ my hip & I got depressed & I got really, really fat. I think my highest weigh was about 280. I don't really know I stopped weighing myself. Somewhere during all of this was a purchase of Richard Simmons' (back to the beginning!) Food Mover program - I don't think it ever made it out of the package. I gave up & decided I was just going to be fat & happy. Except I was miserable.
In 2003 I had my first hip surgery. I got a post op infection & was in the hospital for about a month. I lost some weight by circumstance. Same thing happened a year or so later when I was hospitalized for pneumonia. In 2007 I found out I was going to need more surgery to fix the bones that never healed together after the first surgery. So I decided to get myself into fighting shape. Recovery the first time was sooo hard b/c of my weight. Plus I had done some research & found out that obesity (hate that ugly word) can prevent bones from healing. I was a woman on a mission! I lost about 80 pounds! Wow! It was really awesome.
I was certain I would never gain that weight back. I kept it off for a whole year. I really thought I was home free. Except I wasn't. I was so focused on the goal - weight off for surgery - that when I reached it I lost my focus completely. My recovery from surgery was much easier but I never fully recovered the use of the muscles in my left leg. I was struggling with daily tasks & having pain. After some tests I found out I had muscle atrophy. In addition they weren't able to fix the bone that was giving me the most pain - I would need another surgery. Instead of calling my dr & setting up an appointment to figure out how to get those muscles working again I played ostrich. Stuck my head so far up my...well...you know what and just ignored it all. I felt like it was all for nothing!!! I stopped trying to work out b/c it hurt. I stopped watching what I ate b/c what difference did it make. What good was being so healthy if I was in pain all the time & I couldn't enjoy it.
Now I have learned a very painful lesson. I have been saying for months that I will not be a Kirstie Alley - well my Kirstie moment has arrived. I have now, over the course of the last year, gained almost all of it back. I am unhappy & unhealthy. Everything hurts MORE b/c I am so heavy. My muscle problems are worse instead of better. Ignoring problems doesn't make them go away - it lets them grow like mold in the hidden corner of a damp basement until one day it becomes the problem you can't ignore. You have a house that is no longer fit to live in - or a body that feels almost the same way.
So it is the day after my birthday & I am determined that I won't be fat by my next one. I am going to do it all again. But this time I have to stop the insanity! (look out Susan Powter LOL) I have to figure out why (besides the obvious eat too much exercise too little) I am fat. I have to dig down deep & fix it so that I don't repeat the loss/gain cycle AGAIN!!!!
My long term goal is fit by forty My ultimate goal is fit for life. I am not really too worried about reaching a certain number on the scale - fitting back into the clothes currently hanging in my closet will be a pretty good indication I am heading in the right direction.
My short term goal for this week is to wean myself off the Dt Mt Dew - I am such a diet soda addict. For the weeks ahead it is to keep up the walking I have been doing w/ my friend Paige - when we started walking a couple of weeks ago it made me realize not only how far I've fallen fitness wise but how good it feels to get the body moving. To make healthy food choices and to blog.
Why blog about this? Because it makes me accountable to myself to put it out there in the world. Obviously it's no secret I am not thin - so what is the point in hiding what I'm doing? One of the things I found very helpful last time to keep focused was to write about it on my Myspace page. I stopped using Myspace & I stopped writing about things. It seems like it really makes me think about what is going on in my life & notice how it is effecting me/ how I am reacting to it when I write it down. The other thing is maybe it can help other people that are going through the same thing. I know there are a lot of people in the same boat out there.
So in addition to the quirky observations about life I like to write about a lot of my blog posts from now on are going to be about this weight loss journey. I also plan on digging deep inside myself to the dark places to deal with my feelings about weight, food, exercise & body image. If I post something very personal I probably won't announce it on Facebook, but it will be here if you want to follow along with me.
My focus has to be on getting healthy & staying that way. I have to do this for myself number one. But also I have to do this for my daughter who has a weight problem. I have to set a good example of healthy behavior & positive lifestyle choices for her before she tumbles into the same pattern that I have been repeating my whole life. Because for that to happen, in my mind, would truly be insane.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)