I lost 3 pounds this week. Yay me! And while I am glad & happy with the progress I am also trying really hard not to focus too much on the scale - which is why I am weighing once a week now instead of daily like I did previously. One of my very good friends is also trying very hard to lose weight & her Saturday weigh in didn't reflect the loss she had hoped to see. She was pretty bummed out. I told her that success isn't always shown on the scale - that instead of focusing on weight lost try to focus on health gained - that every time you walk or make a healthy food choice it's a step in the right direction no matter what the scale says. She thanked me for the encouragement but I feel like I should thank her because I am trying very hard to adopt that philosophy for myself & helping her reminds me to stay positive & focused too.

I did pretty well w/ my goals last week. No pop. I didn't walk as much as I would have liked - between getting stuck @ work, Jaycees meeting & home responsibilities I just couldn't get out the door. I feel like my food choices were healthy ones for most of the week - but the weekend not so much which is why I have picked Saturday for weigh in. I can see the week's hard work pay off instead of the weekend indulgence setbacks which would be so frustrating & discouraging. Do you like how I play mind games with myself? Which brings me to my topic this week. People with life long weight problems have a weird mental/emotional mind game relationship with food. Food to us isn't just fuel for the body like it's supposed to be, it's almost like a living entity, an invisible friend. Or that little devil &/or angel sitting on your shoulder whispering in your ear.

People with food issues tend to categorize our food choices as being either bad or good - which I guess thin people probably do too. The difference tho is that it isn't just the food choice we believe is good or bad, deep down we believe it makes us good or bad - especially with the bad. The ironic thing is that when we make one of those "bad" choices & feel like we have done a "bad" thing we then feel we are a "bad" person because of it. Because we are soooo "bad" we feel the need to punish ourselves by...wait for it...eating more "bad" things! Totally not logical I know, but since when are emotions logical? I mean you already wrecked it so you might as well wreck it really bad right? You get the little comfort food "buzz" going while your being really "bad" so you feel kind of like you are getting away with something. Only your not because eventually the buzz kills & your just left feeling torn up & guilty & bloated & hating your self. Which leads you into another binge and completely off of any diet plan you may have been trying to be "good" on.

Conversely & perhaps perversely we feel so good when we make "good" choices or have a good weigh in that we want to reward ourselves. And normally the first thing that comes to mind is with the thing that gives the most pleasure - food. You worked sooo hard you deserve a trip to Dairy Queen. Which leads you down the slippery slope of self-sabotage. One little blizzard didn't really hurt so the next day you have another. Soon it backfires in your face, you now feel guilty & ashamed and find yourself being "bad" all over again.

I know for most people this sounds ridiculous & probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I think the closest comparison I can make is probably to some one who is a cutter. They hurt so bad inside & are filled with such self loathing & disgust that they feel compelled to hurt themselves & causing themselves pain, "punishing" themselves by marking their skin is such a relief that it gives them pleasure. For a person with food issues food is our razor blade. Instead of tearing our flesh we mutilate it from the inside out. It's masochistic & probably just a little bit mental. I realize that. If you are reading this maybe you now think I am more than a little bit crazy but maybe instead next time you see a person who is obese you won't think "Ugh! No will power! How do people let themselves get that way?" Instead maybe you will realize that alot of the time it goes down a lot deeper. That they don't let themselves get that way - sometimes they are compelled by feelings & emotions that they haven't learned the proper way to deal with. In my life long struggle between being "good" & "bad" I have learned in most case the outer body is a manifestation of what is going on in the inner & the reason that most diets fail is that you are so busy fixing the outside you don't take time to address the inside. I'm trying my damnedest to do that this go round.

The main thing I have to learn, along with the millions of other people who struggle with this every single day of their lives, is that the choices I make whether good or bad don't necessarily reflect on the kind of person you are. If a person chooses to cheat on their spouse it might mean they are a bad person. If a person chooses to cheat on their diet, not so much. Eating a brownie doesn't make a person bad. Brownies aren't "bad", they may taste sinful but there are is no evil lurking in their ingredients. They are high in calories & most likely not the best choice when watching one's weight but eating one just means I need to make a more nutritious choice for my next meal or that maybe I should go take a walk or add a few minutes to the next work out. It's all about balance. Not the balance between "good" & "bad" but the balance between calories in & calories out. It's very logical, so I guess I need to channel my inner Spock & let go of the emotions I have let food provoke in my psyche.

This week my biggest goal is to move past the choices I made this weekend that weren't so healthy by focusing on continuing with the progress I have made with the previous week's goals. I am also going to think about my choices with my rational brain instead of my emotional heart.