Three months Post Op

Today it is officially 3 months since my surgery. It has been a long and often still frustrating recovery. I really imagined I would be so much further by now. I knew that this repair was not in the socket area so I thought it would be easier. I think this has actually been my most difficult recovery yet. I am actually going to attach scans of my surgery report, I understand from the 2 PTs who have read it that it is quite fascinating. I will say that when I realized after my first post-op visit what I actually held in my hand my heart sped  up & I became very nervous/excited and not at all for the reasons you might think. I scanned the report frantically searching for a specific word I had hoped with all my heart NOT to see!
What word could have my heart tripping? It is a word that had nothing at all to do with the context of the actual surgery but was one that I read on the report of my first surgical report 9 years ago that left me reeling. That word was obese. As in the description of me being an obese female blah, blah.... I was shocked, humiliated & embarrassed. Even though I knew I was over-weight I never thought of my self as obese. It is such a harsh, horrible, shameful sounding word. It is Jabba the Hut & Johnny Depp's mom in What's Eating Gilbert Grape but surely, definitely, not me. Except it was. So I lost a lot of weight before my 2nd surgery & I kept it off for a year until...I didn't. (I won't rehash all that now you can go back a peruse some older posts if you want that old tale.)  I was determined to lose it again & get back into shape before this 3rd (hopefully last) surgery. I joined Weight Watchers in April of last year & by the date of my surgery I had lost 77 pounds. So it was with much anticipation that I looked for the dreaded O word on my surgical report, which much to my relief was not there. Only the dreaded F (as in 40) word was there but I had come to terms with that one months ago. 
Since my surgery I have had 6 pounds creep back on - since I spent 2 whole months literally sitting on my can I wasn't too shocked by this. I was quite disappointed n myself tho, because even tho the inactivity played a huge part I know that I let my boredom, depression & just general discontent with the unexpected slowness of my recovery process rule my food choices at times. Right now I am focusing really hard on getting back to the level of fitness I had prior to my surgery. Before my surgery I could walk several miles, in pain the whole time & miserable, but I could do it! And most shocking I enjoyed it! I was hiking with friends and it felt so good to get out into the world and move! Before I scheduled my surgery I signed up for the Dirty Girl 5K which is June 30th. I am absolutely determined that I will, at the very least, walk the entire course. I am working up to the distance with daily walks but am thwarted by the necessity of still using a cane for longer distances. I am also still battling numbness in by bum & back of the thigh along with muscle weakness. I guess I had this vision of the day I was released for full weight bearing as the day I would toss away the cane & strut off into the sunset...yeah not so much. So I just keep walking, taking one step at a time...

Finding Normal

The other day my 10 year old daughter asked me if kids made fun of me for being fat & hurt my feeling when I was in school. Before I replied, the first thing I did was ask her if anyone was making fun of her at school. I asked her this because my poor girl also has a weight problem, one we have been trying to figure out practically since the day she was born. Every year at school conferences I ask her teachers this very thing - if anyone has been giving her a hard time because of her weight. Always they tell me no. That she is so well liked that the kids never pick on her. Which makes me sigh with relief down deep in my soul. Because the truth is I was made fun of for being fat when I was in school, actually I was made fun of a lot.

My daughter swore that no one has made fun of her so far this year, but admitted that there was a boy in her class last year that would say mean things to her sometimes & never seemed to like her. Since she was honest with me I decided to be honest with her. Yes, I told her, kids did make fun of me when I was in school for being fat. And they hurt my feelings. They hurt my feelings so badly that even now, as a grown up, sometimes I think about the things they said to me & it still hurts & makes me feel very sad inside.

Then I decided to really be honest with her. I told her that I hate being fat. That I hate that people made fun of me. That when I am fat not only do I feel bad on the inside, emotionally but I feel bad on the outside physically. I am more tired & I am uncomfortable in my own body. That I don't like the way my clothes look on my body & I feel uncomfortable when they don't fit right. I told her how mad I am at myself for wasting all the hard work I did losing weight & getting healthy for my surgery by getting fat again.

I also told her that I loved her no matter what she looked like. That I don't care if she is big or small, short or tall, but I do care if she is not healthy. I tried to explain to her that the reason her dad & I are so careful to try to encourage her to make healthy food & exercise choices is because we don't want her to have to worry about the health issues we have had to deal with or the hurt feelings either.

I tried to explain to her that healthy food & exercise choices are important to everyone. That sometimes people have fast metabolisms & they might burn off calories no matter what they eat but while they might look thin on the outside if they eat a lot of junk they might fat on the inside. I also tried to explain to her that people come in many shapes & sizes but that people who have a tendency to be over weight, people who's bodies don't burn the calories as fast other people's do, people like me, daddy & her, have to be extra careful to make healthy food & exercise choices because if we don't our weight become a real problem.

I believe that statement with my whole whole heart. I absolutely know it to be true. I HATE it with every fiber of my being. Seriously. If you have read my other blog posts you know I have been trying to lose weight. For 2 weeks running I stayed the same. Then I forgot to weigh last weekend & I weighed Monday instead. Big mistake. I was up. It is sooo discouraging. But I knew I would be. Because my motivation has really been lagging lately. I get so fed up with being "good" and always making the healthy choices. I get depressed & I get angry & I think it's NOT FAIR! Why can't I just eat like a normal person!!!

It occurred to me the other day as I was thinking all these thoughts that I really have no freakin' clue what-so-ever how "normal" people eat. By normal I mean average sized people who have never really had weight problems. I definitely don't mean those Hollywood size 00 bobble head looking types that exist on Starbucks & cigarettes. Just regular sized people who eat to live, not live to eat. I know how fat people eat. Any fat person who tells you they don't eat very much & can't figure out why they are fat are lying, either to you or more importantly to themselves. They are eating all right, maybe not at meals, but they are eating somewhere &/or sometime else. I know how to eat on a "diet", God knows I have had enough experience with that. But how do regular people eat?

Do regular people always make healthy food choices? Or do regular people eat whatever the hell they want & their genetically gifted bodies just burn it all off? I really have no clue. If you are reading this, and you are an average sized person please, please explain it to me. Do you think about what you are going to eat before you eat it? Do you keep track of calories & fat grams? Do you exercise all the time? Or do you not worry about exercise because you really don't need to. Really I want to know, one way or the other. Because I have long forgotten how to be "normal" when it comes to food.

I really do know deep down that if I ever want to be a healthy weight that I am going to have to make healthy food & exercise choices for the rest of my life. Somehow I have to stop resenting this. I have to stop wishing that I could eat whatever I want, eat as big of portion sizes as I want & couch potato as much as I want without seeing any consequences. I have to do this for myself & I have to do this for my daughter. I have to show her by doing & hope that one day it just becomes "normal" for me & for her. Because being fat hurts more than your body. It hurts your feelings & your self esteem. It hurts your life.