The other day my 10 year old daughter asked me if kids made fun of me for being fat & hurt my feeling when I was in school. Before I replied, the first thing I did was ask her if anyone was making fun of her at school. I asked her this because my poor girl also has a weight problem, one we have been trying to figure out practically since the day she was born. Every year at school conferences I ask her teachers this very thing - if anyone has been giving her a hard time because of her weight. Always they tell me no. That she is so well liked that the kids never pick on her. Which makes me sigh with relief down deep in my soul. Because the truth is I was made fun of for being fat when I was in school, actually I was made fun of a lot.
My daughter swore that no one has made fun of her so far this year, but admitted that there was a boy in her class last year that would say mean things to her sometimes & never seemed to like her. Since she was honest with me I decided to be honest with her. Yes, I told her, kids did make fun of me when I was in school for being fat. And they hurt my feelings. They hurt my feelings so badly that even now, as a grown up, sometimes I think about the things they said to me & it still hurts & makes me feel very sad inside.
Then I decided to really be honest with her. I told her that I hate being fat. That I hate that people made fun of me. That when I am fat not only do I feel bad on the inside, emotionally but I feel bad on the outside physically. I am more tired & I am uncomfortable in my own body. That I don't like the way my clothes look on my body & I feel uncomfortable when they don't fit right. I told her how mad I am at myself for wasting all the hard work I did losing weight & getting healthy for my surgery by getting fat again.
I also told her that I loved her no matter what she looked like. That I don't care if she is big or small, short or tall, but I do care if she is not healthy. I tried to explain to her that the reason her dad & I are so careful to try to encourage her to make healthy food & exercise choices is because we don't want her to have to worry about the health issues we have had to deal with or the hurt feelings either.
I tried to explain to her that healthy food & exercise choices are important to everyone. That sometimes people have fast metabolisms & they might burn off calories no matter what they eat but while they might look thin on the outside if they eat a lot of junk they might fat on the inside. I also tried to explain to her that people come in many shapes & sizes but that people who have a tendency to be over weight, people who's bodies don't burn the calories as fast other people's do, people like me, daddy & her, have to be extra careful to make healthy food & exercise choices because if we don't our weight become a real problem.
I believe that statement with my whole whole heart. I absolutely know it to be true. I HATE it with every fiber of my being. Seriously. If you have read my other blog posts you know I have been trying to lose weight. For 2 weeks running I stayed the same. Then I forgot to weigh last weekend & I weighed Monday instead. Big mistake. I was up. It is sooo discouraging. But I knew I would be. Because my motivation has really been lagging lately. I get so fed up with being "good" and always making the healthy choices. I get depressed & I get angry & I think it's NOT FAIR! Why can't I just eat like a normal person!!!
It occurred to me the other day as I was thinking all these thoughts that I really have no freakin' clue what-so-ever how "normal" people eat. By normal I mean average sized people who have never really had weight problems. I definitely don't mean those Hollywood size 00 bobble head looking types that exist on Starbucks & cigarettes. Just regular sized people who eat to live, not live to eat. I know how fat people eat. Any fat person who tells you they don't eat very much & can't figure out why they are fat are lying, either to you or more importantly to themselves. They are eating all right, maybe not at meals, but they are eating somewhere &/or sometime else. I know how to eat on a "diet", God knows I have had enough experience with that. But how do regular people eat?
Do regular people always make healthy food choices? Or do regular people eat whatever the hell they want & their genetically gifted bodies just burn it all off? I really have no clue. If you are reading this, and you are an average sized person please, please explain it to me. Do you think about what you are going to eat before you eat it? Do you keep track of calories & fat grams? Do you exercise all the time? Or do you not worry about exercise because you really don't need to. Really I want to know, one way or the other. Because I have long forgotten how to be "normal" when it comes to food.
I really do know deep down that if I ever want to be a healthy weight that I am going to have to make healthy food & exercise choices for the rest of my life. Somehow I have to stop resenting this. I have to stop wishing that I could eat whatever I want, eat as big of portion sizes as I want & couch potato as much as I want without seeing any consequences. I have to do this for myself & I have to do this for my daughter. I have to show her by doing & hope that one day it just becomes "normal" for me & for her. Because being fat hurts more than your body. It hurts your feelings & your self esteem. It hurts your life.
Oh, Kel, I am so sorry that your daughter is struggling with body image at age 10 and I am so sorry that you are unhappy with your weight and are finding it hard to stay healthy.
ReplyDeleteI'm "normal" weight and I have to work to stay that way. If I overindulge in portion sizes or sweets, I can easily gain 5-10 lb and none of my clothes fit and I feel ugly. And I hardly exercise. If I exercised more, I'd have an easier time maintaining my weight.
What worked for me was Weight Watchers. While I don't go to meetings right now (and I SHOULD) I do tend to follow their portion controls and ranges. I've managed to maintain a 36 lb weight loss for 8 years now (not including my pregnancy gain/loss). It's an ongoing process and I just try to eat as healthy as I can.
~Robyn
I'd say it's funny, but it's not. I know how you feel. I'm not a naturally thin or "normal" size person, but I'm surrounded by them in my family. I'm the only one to have ever had a serious weight problem.
ReplyDeleteThe difference between the way they eat and the way I tend to want to eat is pretty clear if you watch us all. They enjoy food, but they don't love it like I do. Food is not their friend like it is mine. My mother, my brothers, and my son will all walk away from food when they're not hungry. For me, if there's food around, and it's something I like, I want to eat it. Even if I just ate, I still want more; it's like I'm afraid I'm never going to have Kraft Mac and Cheese again, which is dumb, but there you go. That's the biggest difference right there. They might eat crap (and my brothers and son certainly do), but they don't eat much of it.
Sometimes Amanda reminds me that nobody is going to take the food away, and that it is just about certainly not the last time I'm ever going to see a chocolate chip cookie or ice cream or mac and cheese, or whatever, but it's taking a while for that to soak into my brain. Seriously, the gallbladder thing has actually helped there. I literally cannot eat as much as I could just a few weeks ago. My portion sizes have been cut almost in half because I get so physically uncomfortable and almost sick if I overeat now, and I've lost some weight. It's like I'm finally doing what the Weight Watchers books all say, "listen to your body and stop eating when you're satisfied which is well before you're full."
Sorry about writing a book on your blog comments, but (as you probably know) this is a subject that I feel pretty strongly about, even if I haven't been talking about it as much lately.
I am not sure where to begin so I will just start. I have been large my whole life either in height or width. Mostly when I was a kid I was the tall lanky type, but I enjoyed food, I really do, and that wasn't a problem when I was growing vertically, once that stopped, my mouth didn't so I started to grow sideways. Some kids would say things to me, but very few. They would say some hurtful things. Adults would cast me into roles of the larger guys, lineman, the anchor of the tug-o-war rope, etc. But for the most part I was the jovial humorous friendly guy while on the inside I was quiet, reserved, afraid, self conscious. I hid in the spot light by being the ham and class clown. My mother is large, but short, my sister is large like me but just as tall. She too has struggled with her weight, but I can't speak of her exact struggles, she hasn't shared them with me.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I enjoy food WAY too much, diets do not work for me. I have lost significant weight twice in my life, once when I was 14, I lost about 40lbs, and again when I was 19, I lost 60lbs. Both times it was through lifestyle changes, not necessarily diet changes. I don't have any will power for diets. Both times were from increased physical activity brought on by necessity. When I was 14, we lived in Singapore, hot humid, had no car so had to walk or take public transportation everywhere. When I was 19, I joined the Navy, bootcamp...buttload of intensive exercise. By far that changed my metabolism the most and I kept the weight off for a few years! But it crept back. Both times also, my situation changed and my life wasn't dedicated to walking everywhere, we moved home, or I wasn't exercising everyday like in bootcamp. Both times the changes were forced upon me, yes I grew to enjoy all the walking and all the exercise but it took time.
continued...
ReplyDeleteI think everyone, every "body" is different, we have to find what works for us. If you have will power, then ok diets may work for you. If oyu don't I suggest the lifestyle change but that is just as hard and has just as many hardships. I don't have an answer as to what works and doesn't work.
As far as ridicule goes, my mother always told me to ignore what people say. I was able to but I still heard it and internalized it. I think it lead to much of my low self esteem. What I have done and how I have worked through all this in my head is to accept myself for who I am. Yeah sure I would love to have Matthew McConahey's body, Sherrie wouldn't be able to keep her hands off me, but I don't. I am me, Paul. I am who I am. I I don't go around beating myself up verbally and hating myself be being me. I wish I looked better, I wish clothes fit better, I wish people wouldn't stare at the pool or think whatever it is they think...but you know what I am me, I am happy being myself.
Now you may say it is easier for me to say that and think that because I am a guy, but I don't think so. Men have just as much societal pressures of how they should look as women do. Men are so hung up over penis size for crying out loud. We are constantly shown examples of specimen men that our wives and girlfriends oogle over. Very few of us guys look like them.
I guess it boils down to accepting oneself, and if you can't accept yourself the way God created you then change, but don't sit around and beat yourself up.
Not sure if I said much beyond just rambling but you are not alone, she is not alone. You can not shelter her from the comments, if you do then you are doing her an injustice. She will eventually have to deal with them herself. Would you rather it now when you are here to teach her how to deal with them and be her shoulder to cry on, or would you rather it be in her adulthood off at college or something like that where you won't be there for her. I am not saying throw her to the wolves flinging insults at her but don't keep her in a bubble either.
Oh and what is normal eating...for me it is eating till I am full, or slightly beyond. I know it isn't right but I love food! That is what normal eating is for me.