Call me Cleopatra...

Denial may not be the name of that river in Egypt but for the last two years I have been drowning in it just the same. In January 2009 I had an EMG & and a MRI done on my hip. My bones were healing pretty well from the surgery the I had the summer before but I was having muscle weakness & my range of motion was bad. I got an email from my surgeon February 20th. He said while I didn't show any nerve damage I did have muscle atrophy & some scarring in the muscle. He also wanted to talk to me about trying to get the rest of the bones to heal that hadn't from my first surgery by a different doctor that he wasn't able to get to and fix with the surgery he did.

When I got that email I just was so fed up with the whole thing. I was angry. I felt like everything I did to get ready for the surgery, my 70 pound weight loss & all the strength training I did, followed by the surgery and the long recovery was for nothing. Just the idea of having another surgery made me want to run (limp?) for the hills. And mentally that's just what I did. I ignored that email because I didn't want to deal with it.

 I spent the next two years playing ostrich. My head was firmly planted in the sand. I ignored the increasing muscle weakness and the limping and the pain. I ignored the fact that my pants kept getting tighter and tighter until I stopped wearing anything but sweat pants since weight was creeping back on because I was feeling to sorry for myself to work out. I really ignored the scale because the numbers don't lie and I wasn't ready for the truth. I ignored that email & kept telling myself I would deal with it later. Only later never came. Days turned into weeks that turned into months and now years.

A few weeks ago I had my big ol' Opra-esque A-Ha moment (you can read about it in the blog post previous to this one) and I decided I needed to get back on the stick & get some of this weight off. It followed on the heals of our big holiday rush season at work. I had been dreading the month of December. I knew I was not in good shape to handle the long hours on my feet & increased volume. I made it thru, but boy was I miserable. Both of my hips were hurting. My back went out for about 3 days - at the end thank goodness. I was having knee problems & pain shooting from heel to hip. I was feeling about 89 years old instead of 39.

So for the last two weeks I have been watching what I eat and I have been off pop again since I had been pretty much mainlining Diet Mt Dew to get myself through the holidays. The first week I actually went down 11 pounds - I must have had enough water bloat to float a boat! This past week I pretty much stayed the same weight wise but I feel better. I started working out again too. This morning I met a friend at the gym so she could teach me how to use some of the equipment I was not real familiar with. This friend has also has had hip problems so I knew that along with her gym savvy she also knew what problems I have been dealing with.

At one point we were siting on a mat & I was telling her about the muscle atrophy thing & how I never got back to my doctor. I was telling her how I could hardly lift my leg to do a leg lift in the pool the day before. Then I laid on my side & went to demonstrate there on the mat. Only lying there on the mat I realized I couldn't lift my leg at all - not even an inch! No matter how hard I tried the leg would not move.  I'm not sure who was more shocked by this, her or me. So like the awesome friend she is she told me that was very bad and I needed to email my doctor and she was going to hound me until I did.

So when I got home I did email him and explained to him what has been going on and hoped he wasn't so disgusted with me for my immature behavior that he wouldn't answer back. I have now realized I need to quit being so ignorant and take care of this. I have been on a 2 year path to self destruction. I was angry at the world because things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to with my surgery & I punished myself for it every step of the way.

After I sent the email off I went over to my parent's house for a few hours. When I got home I was pretty surprised to see I had already gotten a reply from my doctor. He said he would have his nurse call me and set up a time to get me into the office. So now I have to start over & hope to God that it is not too late and there is something that can be done. My time in this river has ended, I'm finally swimming toward the shore. Hopefully I'll make it there but I might need a few lifesavers thrown my way from time to time. I'll keep you posted...

I Saw a Sign...

Yesterday I was walking around Woodfield Mall with my mom & my kids. I hate Woodfield Mall. It's crowed and confusing, the stores seem like they change constantly so you practically need a GPS to figure out how to get where you want to be, and it brings back bad memories. Those awkward High School years when I hung out there and hoped I would meet Prince Charming and never did because I was too shy & uncomfortable with myself. My mom hates it too and neither of us had been there in years but it had all the stores we wanted to hit under one roof so off we went anyway.

As I was walking around feeling the echo of those memories of  long ago I suddenly realized I was finally walking through Woodfield holding hands with, IMO, the cutest boy there. My gorgeous 8 yr old son. So being my silly self I updated my Facebook status:

"Walking thru Woodfield Mall holding hands with a cute boy"

and then I stopped quick, handed my mom my phone and had her snap a picture which I also dispatched to Facebook with barely a glance to just make sure I wasn't squinting or something. I went blissfully about my day feeling pretty pleased with myself not realizing what was lurking, literally, behind my shoulder.

Later back at my mom's I logged on to Facebook and clicked on that picture. That is when I noticed it. Of all the hundreds of stored in that stinking hell hole, I mean mall, I just happened to stop in front of a big girls clothes store just in the perfect spot so the words PLUS SIZES appear right over my shoulder. Really??? C'mon! My mom laughed and said "You should have stopped in front of Victoria's Secret". Um...yeah..like anyone would believe I shop there - not!

So I know every one is probably tired of my whining about my weight and my big lofty goals that go nowhere. I'm tired of myself and the multiple failures and flops.  I am officially back to where I started. I have gained it ALL back. 70 plus pounds! I don't know why I can't get motivated. I don't know why I can't stick with it. I know why I should. I have discussed those reasons over and over here in this blog. I was actually thinking about it yesterday morning AGAIN! What was I waiting for anyway? A sign from God? Huh. Well whether it was God, Fate, or just my own unconscious brain I guess I got one! You don't get a more obvious sign than bright white NEON hovering over your shoulder!

So I am starting again! First I am getting off the pop again because I was pretty much living on Diet Mt Dew during the Holiday Rush at work. I am rejoining Health Bridge so I can go work out and take my daughter to work out because we have to work on getting her strength back from her surgery last summer or she won't be able to play softball next summer and that would really suck. I am going to start bringing my lunch again and watching my portions. And I am going to start blogging again to keep myself accountable.

Wish me luck! I'm probably going to need it...

You don't write...

It's been a long time I know. Where have you been Kelly? I have been busy! Busy practicing avoidance... Seriously tho, while I have been very busy with kids, husband, work & home I have also been busy ignoring the fact that I am making no progress on my weight loss/health goals. Actually I have fallen off the wagon entirely, rolled down a hill, landed in a ditch & drowned in a puddle of mud.

I am back to where I started weight wise, eating wise & drinking wise. So I am eating crap, drinking pop & feeling miserable & fat. So much for all my determination & lofty words right? UGH! I do mean them when I write them. I wake up every day determined to live a healthier life. But sometimes I feel like I have 2 conscious minds that war for control - that I literally have the devil & angel siting on each shoulder & the devil usually wins. I feel absolutely compelled to have a McDonald's Frappe' on my way home, and lately cookies to go with it. In many ways I don't understand it but I think I have been beginning to have some insight into my inner crazy person.

My neighbor lent me a book awhile back called Women, Food & God written by Geneen Roth. It is not really a religious book, actually she barely talks about religion or God. More so it is about how when women lack a spiritual core they fill the emptiness with other things. Things like food. Here is a quote from her web page:

The way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive. No matter how sophisticated or wise or enlightened you believe you are, how you eat tells all. The world is on your plate. When you begin to understand what prompts you to use food as a way to numb or distract yourself, the process takes you deeper into realms of spirit and to the bright center of your own life.

The basic premise, or at least how I interpreted it, is that you have certain beliefs about yourself. Beliefs that are formed from the reflection of how other people have treated you or spoken to you. You see yourself through their eyes. So if like me you were a girl who was teased & treated cruelly by her peers and were told constantly you were fat, ugly & worthless no matter how far you've come in your life, if you haven't gotten in touch with your true self spiritually deep inside you see yourself as that definition of you.

This book touched home with me in a multitude of ways. I think people who are bullied in their lives tend to handle it in basically two different ways. If they have a strong sense of self the externalize the problem. As in a "what the hell is that asshole's problem that he has to screw with me?" attitude. My brother usually handled it that way. I'm sure he had his feelings hurt but for the most part he just thought the other guy was being a dick. For me & a lot of others, we internalize it. The "what's wrong with me? Why am I so awful everyone hates me?" attitude.

There was a time in my life that I really felt like I was born to be hated & because of that I hated myself. I'm not going to go into all of that now, I would be writing for weeks - and hopefully, eventually I will be wtiting it all out because I realize I have demons here I need to exercise. But for the sake of today's blog I will just say this much: in the past  I could, and sometimes still do, look in a mirror & loathe the person I see there. In the book the author pushes you to let go of those feelings. To realize that that child/teen/young adult you see there is not the true you. That you have to learn to love and/or forgive that inner child/teen/young adult for all the pain they have caused you. Until you do you can't feel whole spiritually. Instead you will continue to fill the hole with food & feed the feelings that she wreaks in you.

I have come to the realization that the reason I can't take care of my self is that I don't care for myself. I know that sounds harsh but it's true. It seems simple enough. Forgive the inner child. Learn to love your self as you are now. I can't. Ah-ha moments might be popping off like light bulbs all over my brain but I can't seem to force myself to actually do anything about it. I have been hating that child since I was 9 years old. It would be like suddenly turning to your life long enemy, embracing them & saying "I forgive you, lets be best friends". How many people could actually do that? Which, I guess is where the spiritual/God like part comes in.

So really I think my yo-yo weight cycle is a product of the battle raging in my own mind. The grown-up Kel that wants to be happy & healthy against the Kelly that has always been there, seething with doubt & self loathing. I need to find a way to put her out of my mind for good & let her go. I'm not sure how I can. I am hoping that by facing my deepest feelings while writing here it will help but it might not be enough. I am considering seeking counseling too, if I can be brave enough to face my fiercest foe and if I can convince myself I deserve it.

The time I Messed up Jan's Hair & Lost my Mind but Not Myself Even Tho I Tried

This story was originally part of the Fall Sucks post but I trimmed it out...

Right after I started Beauty School in Fall of 1989 I was at my friend Jan's one nite. I had just finished the hair cutting unit & she thought I should try trimming her hair. I wasn't too confident in the idea but she was (there may have been some wine coolers involved in this - shhh... don't tell my mother) in any case I did something totally wrong & instead of giving her an angle to frame her face I gave her a flap to frame her ear. Yep. Cut the whole side of her hair clean off. It was HORRIBLE!!! I freaked out - totally. Somehow thru the night I built the whole thing up in my brain to a disaster of epic proportion. I was embarrassed & ashamed & a failure & I had to run away. So I did. I snuck out of her apartment before she woke up, went home, packed a few of my clothes & took the family photo off the wall in the hall at my parent's house threw it in my little duffel bag, got in my car & decided to "get lost". I think I had visions of being like Julia Roberts in that movie where she runs away from her creepy husband & lands in a quaint town & starts this whole new wonderful life. Sigh. It didn't quite happen that way.

I got on the expressway & kept getting off at different ramps which led me in circles so after several hours I was still stuck in rainy cloudy friggin' Illinois. I finally exited the highway & wound up in Antioch. I was totally lost but not in a good way. As I was driving around trying to figure out my next move a squirrel darted in front of me, I swerved & then THUD! Yep, killed it, saw it's little corpse in my rear view & everything. So now not only was I failure but I was a murderer. After spending my entire day in emotional turmoil that was the last straw, I was now in hysterics. I couldn't take it any more. I stopped at a Holiday Inn, checked in using my mother's credit card & then fell asleep in an exhausted stupor.

I slept hours. Hours in which my mother, who is like queen of intuition when it comes to her kids, was frantically searching for me. It seems she walked in the house after I left & just knew something was wrong. She went upstairs to look for me & noticed the picture gone off the wall in the hall & then really knew something was wrong. So she called everyone I knew looking for me but no one had heard from me and since this was the pre-cell phone era I had pretty much disappeared. She was pretty much in full panic mode until I woke up in the Holiday Inn in Antioch & realized what a moron I was & called her to come rescue me. Which she did, drove out there & got me & was just so happy to have found me she didn't kill me where I stood. I have a really awesome mom.

My friend Jan got really pissed & didn't speak to me for a few months. Not so much because I botched her 'doo really, altho that didn't exactly thrill her, but because I had acted like such a goon. Eventually we talked & worked it out, I was forgiven & her hair, like hair tends to do, grew back (she had to wear one side of her hair up in a barette for about a year, the only saving grace in the whole situation was back 1989 that was actually fashionable). We are still friends today & as she predicted that nite when she was streaming mad & wanted to murder me, we can actually look back and laugh at what happend. As you can see I have great friends too.

Fall. Why it Sucks Pumpkin

It is the first day of Fall tomorrow. I know many people who say that Fall is their favorite season. They drone on about the glory & beauty of Fall & how wonderful it is. To those people I would like to say this: You are friggin' crazy! I don't understand it. I think Fall sucks. And in celebration of season (snort) I will tell you why.

I know when Fall is about to fall upon me when my allergies start to flare up. All of a sudden my sinus start to itch like a Brady doused me with itching powder. Then the roof of my mouth starts to itch, this drives me insane! I complain about it constantly, to which my darling husband answers "I have a way to help you with that". Um, yeah, I am sure you do honey (isn't he just the sweetest thing? Bless his heart). My eyes itch & get red & runny. And lastly my head itches, no amount of conditioner helps. My hair gets limp, my scalp itch rages on. All of this lasts until it frosts. So even tho I take a daily allergy pill I walk around itchy & scratchy. I am constantly scratching my nose (it wasn't a pick! it was a scratch!) rubbing my eyes & scratching my scalp & swiping the roof of my mouth w/ my tongue which leads me to making scrunchy gag faces. Miserable.

I am not the only creature in the house who this happens to. My dog starts chewing her feet from allergies every year in the Fall. I give her Benadryl to help but usually by the time the frost comes her paws are bald. Which leaves me as the itchy, scratchy, twitchy lady walking the dog with the bald chicken feet. I feel compelled to explain to passersby - No I am not insane, we just have allergies, really, put the pretty white coat away now...

The other thing about Fall that I truly hate is the grey skies. It rains a lot in the Fall & when it does the whole world turns damp, grey & clammy. It is depressing, even the name Fall implies that he season is droopy. Take the song November Rain by Gn'R - see even Axel Rose knows what I am talking about - the song is about having your heart broken & trampled on & how it feels like November Rain. Fall rain leaves me bummed out & irritable & if it lasts a really long time a little bit crazy. Anything truly mental I have ever done in my life has been in the Fall. You know things everybody does when they are depressed like try to run away from home or join the Navy (I trimmed the running way from home story out & will make it it's own post - I just realized how crazy big this one was - yikes! Logorrhoea strikes again!)

So Fall makes me a little barmy, altho with all that itching, scratching & moodiness going on who can blame me? I know people love Fall because of the beautiful Fall leaves. Which I can agree with, they are beautiful. At least for about 2 weeks & then they fall all over your grass leaving you with a big mess. Oh, you say, but you can pile them up & jump in them! Woo hoo! Yeah, woo freakin' hoo - and then you have a rash all over your body because apparently you are allergic to touching leaves too. But the worst thing about leaves are all the evil beings that burn them. There is no worse smell, well except maybe skunk but it's close, than the smell of burning leaves. I smell that burning leaves smell & it is like a cleaver slices thru my skull - instant headache. GAH!

The other thing people say they love about Fall is pumpkin. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, pumpkin seeds. Pumpkin grosses me out completely. I don't like the way it tastes & the texture of pumpkin pie reminds me of liver. Every few years I try a pumpkin pie because someone convinces me it is just so wonderful that even if I have never liked pumpkin pie before I would like that one. Nope, never do. GAG. have you ever seen that picture of the Jack-o-lantern that looks like it is 'vomiting" pumpkin slime? (If you haven't before, you have now I included it with this blog) That's my sentiment exactly.

The "fall back" time change thing used to be pretty cool. A whole extra hour in the Halloween weekend to Partay! Except now they moved the date & it isn't on that weekend any more. Not that I party hearty these days anwyas but at least thre is that extra hour to sleep right? Except my kids never seem to get that memo & they still wake up early. And then there is my puppy, we are still working on potty training there, so definitely haven't started teaching her to tell time yet. ;)

Now even I can admit that Halloween is pretty fun & probably the only perk in an otherwise sucky season. But then it's over & you have gained 5 pounds from scarfing all that candy. You got to clean up all the decorative crap you put up which is depressing & usually messy (more pumpkin problems they get very slimy when you forget them on your porch for a few months ewww). All you you have left to show for the whole she-bang are stupid costumes that you paid way too much for & you know your kids will never wear again, because God forbid they could wear the same one 2 years running - GASP!

So Fall sucks. If for no other reason that it leads to Winter which really sucks. I hate being cold so winter is so not for me (altho at least the snow is white & reflects all the sunshiny brightness). Spring is like fall only in reverse. So now I am just left wondering one thing - is it Summer yet?

Disclaimer: This is a VENT against Fall. According to my friend Marci, who is very smart, when you post that something is a VENT it means that while people are allowed to commiserte with you they are not allowed to argue their own point. After all it would be selfish of them to trample all over your anger & self-righteousness wouldn't it? (that part was mine) So if you agree that Fall blows pumpkin chunks- feel free to VENT along with me. If not, well keep you trap shut 'cause I really could care less & you are wrong anyway ;)

Sizing up the Situtation

One of my friend's is involved in a charitable endeavor that provides clothes for needy children. Sometimes she has special situations. Today she put a shout out on Facebook for a mom who was in desperate need for some clothes. Size 14 pants was one of the items needed. I read the post & thought to myself well I have some size 14 pants. I hesitated for a moment in responding tho, not because I wouldn't want to help, but because those are my skinny pants. After a second thought I cursed myself for being selfish & stupid - why hang on to these clothes that are hanging there mocking me every day with their very presence in my closet when I could do some thing positive with them? So I responded that I had some stuff I could donate & I went up to my room & culled the 14s out of my closet.

Now I am sure if you are reading this you are thinking if 14s are her skinny jeans I would hate to see her fat ones! It always amazed me after I lost all that weight 3 years ago when I would read weight loss success stories in magazines like People or Good Housekeeping & the gals would go from about the same weight I started, with a similar weight loss & be in a size 6. I would be like WTF? But under the chub I am just a big girl. I know, I know, the "I have big bones" excuse - totally the biggest fat girl cop out on the planet right? But in my case it's the truth. Even when I am much thinner my measurements are big and I have such big hands I have to wear mens gloves (not saying I have man hands here, they are just big. Big but lady like except maybe when I am giving someone the finger which isn't manly just maybe a bit rude) Anywho I always wonder how ladies who appear way flabbier than me seem to wear a much smaller size. But then I thought about it & came to this conclusion: If you took 8 yards of twine & wrapped it around a toothpick & then took 8 yards of twine around a telephone pole which one would measure bigger around? - right? See I am brilliant LOL

Seriously tho, when I was 15 I got super skinny. Like so totally skinny that people started to tell me I was too skinny & I was scaring them. I was 136 pounds (yes I remember to the exact poundage, it was my all time super skinniest after all) & Iwore a size 11. So for me size 14 is like the Holy Grail of pants sizes - and 3 years ago I held it in the palm of my hand, held on for about a year, & then let it fall from my grip like a fool.

As it turned out my friend didn't need the clothes from me after all - another friend had a large bag already put together & it was a temporary situation. So I was left looking at that pile of clothes on my bed & I felt so aggravated & disgusted with myself. Here I have a whole pile of clothes on my bed & another whole pile still hanging in my closet that I can't wear. Why? Because I gave up. Because I let food mean more to me than health. Because I let vegging out in front of the computer or the tv become more important to me than getting exercise. I must be crazy!!!

Really, I am not exaggerating. I have virtually nothing to wear! Things are really tight for us financially right now so I can't afford to go out & buy a new "fat" wardrobe. I have exactly 1 pair of jeans that fit right now (thank God for stretch denim!) Most of the tops I have worn all summer have been freebie t-shirts with rock bands & sports teams logos on them that my mom gets when she places her supply orders w/ U-Line. I am sure my friends have been wondering what is up w/ the Redneck wardrobe I have been spotin' but thankfully have been too polite to ask!

So for almost 2 years I have been living with a closet full of clothes I cannot wear for the simple reason that I let myself get too fat to fit in them & haven't been motivated enough to lose the weight I need to be healthy & have clothes that fit. Add to that the fact that I can't replace them & I really started to realize what a total stupid moron I am! I know, calling myself names probably isn't very nice - but really I laugh at people all day long for not having the common sense God gave a grapefruit not realizing what a total bone head I am myself. Seriously, here I am with a whole wardrobe of fairly decent clothes & the only thing I have to do to be able to put it on my body instead of letting it gather dust in my closet is eat right and exercise. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I need to get my big ol' but in gear!

This weekend we had had a lot of social stuff going on, football homecoming for my son, a b-day party for a friend's sweet little boy (Happy Birthday J!) & an Oktoberfest party. So I ate donuts & pizza & drank beer. UGH! I regret it now. So I am NOT getting on the scale tomorrow that, I guarantee. But I am going to get on the elliptical in my basement. I am going to drink water. I am going to eat healthy. I need to make myself do this! My new goal is to get back into the clothes I own by next summer. Maybe I will do so totally awesome I can start looking for my jack-a-lope, otherwise known as the size 12! Well a girl can dream anyway ;)

BTW if you have children's clothes that you don't want think about donating them to The Childrens closet.

Finding Normal

The other day my 10 year old daughter asked me if kids made fun of me for being fat & hurt my feeling when I was in school. Before I replied, the first thing I did was ask her if anyone was making fun of her at school. I asked her this because my poor girl also has a weight problem, one we have been trying to figure out practically since the day she was born. Every year at school conferences I ask her teachers this very thing - if anyone has been giving her a hard time because of her weight. Always they tell me no. That she is so well liked that the kids never pick on her. Which makes me sigh with relief down deep in my soul. Because the truth is I was made fun of for being fat when I was in school, actually I was made fun of a lot.

My daughter swore that no one has made fun of her so far this year, but admitted that there was a boy in her class last year that would say mean things to her sometimes & never seemed to like her. Since she was honest with me I decided to be honest with her. Yes, I told her, kids did make fun of me when I was in school for being fat. And they hurt my feelings. They hurt my feelings so badly that even now, as a grown up, sometimes I think about the things they said to me & it still hurts & makes me feel very sad inside.

Then I decided to really be honest with her. I told her that I hate being fat. That I hate that people made fun of me. That when I am fat not only do I feel bad on the inside, emotionally but I feel bad on the outside physically. I am more tired & I am uncomfortable in my own body. That I don't like the way my clothes look on my body & I feel uncomfortable when they don't fit right. I told her how mad I am at myself for wasting all the hard work I did losing weight & getting healthy for my surgery by getting fat again.

I also told her that I loved her no matter what she looked like. That I don't care if she is big or small, short or tall, but I do care if she is not healthy. I tried to explain to her that the reason her dad & I are so careful to try to encourage her to make healthy food & exercise choices is because we don't want her to have to worry about the health issues we have had to deal with or the hurt feelings either.

I tried to explain to her that healthy food & exercise choices are important to everyone. That sometimes people have fast metabolisms & they might burn off calories no matter what they eat but while they might look thin on the outside if they eat a lot of junk they might fat on the inside. I also tried to explain to her that people come in many shapes & sizes but that people who have a tendency to be over weight, people who's bodies don't burn the calories as fast other people's do, people like me, daddy & her, have to be extra careful to make healthy food & exercise choices because if we don't our weight become a real problem.

I believe that statement with my whole whole heart. I absolutely know it to be true. I HATE it with every fiber of my being. Seriously. If you have read my other blog posts you know I have been trying to lose weight. For 2 weeks running I stayed the same. Then I forgot to weigh last weekend & I weighed Monday instead. Big mistake. I was up. It is sooo discouraging. But I knew I would be. Because my motivation has really been lagging lately. I get so fed up with being "good" and always making the healthy choices. I get depressed & I get angry & I think it's NOT FAIR! Why can't I just eat like a normal person!!!

It occurred to me the other day as I was thinking all these thoughts that I really have no freakin' clue what-so-ever how "normal" people eat. By normal I mean average sized people who have never really had weight problems. I definitely don't mean those Hollywood size 00 bobble head looking types that exist on Starbucks & cigarettes. Just regular sized people who eat to live, not live to eat. I know how fat people eat. Any fat person who tells you they don't eat very much & can't figure out why they are fat are lying, either to you or more importantly to themselves. They are eating all right, maybe not at meals, but they are eating somewhere &/or sometime else. I know how to eat on a "diet", God knows I have had enough experience with that. But how do regular people eat?

Do regular people always make healthy food choices? Or do regular people eat whatever the hell they want & their genetically gifted bodies just burn it all off? I really have no clue. If you are reading this, and you are an average sized person please, please explain it to me. Do you think about what you are going to eat before you eat it? Do you keep track of calories & fat grams? Do you exercise all the time? Or do you not worry about exercise because you really don't need to. Really I want to know, one way or the other. Because I have long forgotten how to be "normal" when it comes to food.

I really do know deep down that if I ever want to be a healthy weight that I am going to have to make healthy food & exercise choices for the rest of my life. Somehow I have to stop resenting this. I have to stop wishing that I could eat whatever I want, eat as big of portion sizes as I want & couch potato as much as I want without seeing any consequences. I have to do this for myself & I have to do this for my daughter. I have to show her by doing & hope that one day it just becomes "normal" for me & for her. Because being fat hurts more than your body. It hurts your feelings & your self esteem. It hurts your life.